Stock, AItken, Waterman and the twisty road to music niceness...

In the summer of 1987, I was 27. My son James had been born the previous December and we were living and working in St. Osyth near Clacton-on- Sea in Essex.

At the time, my wife was running a snack bar on the Seawick Holiday Camp and I was basically a relief manager on an amusement complex there. One day I could be in the bingo, the next in one of two amusement arcades and the next looking after a set of Dodgems.

It was a pretty varied working week for me but I most often spent my time in the bingo helping the manager and mixing with the bingo players.

It just so happens that one of the bingo ‘regulars’ owned a mobile home on the camp and would be at the camp every weekend and on all of the school holidays, which meant we saw her often and got to know her well.

She was a typical Eastender, friendly, outgoing and often with a story to tell.  Eventually, as is always the case with me, we got to talking about music and what we liked and didn’t like.

It was during one of those conversations, that she told me that her two nieces were pop stars and in the charts at the time.

Being me, I said to her, “I hope they’re not bloody one of those Stock, Aitken, Waterman groups!” because every other record on the radio seemed to one that originated from their studios.

At the time, I thought of them as formulaic pop rubbish, with the exception of Rick Astley, whose voice I quite liked.

It turned out that her nieces were Mel & Kim, who were indeed a Stock Aitken, Waterman group and were at the time riding high with their hit F.L.M in the top 10.

A week later, she turned up with a copy of their first CD and some signed photos for me and a white dress that one of them had worn in one of their videos for their singles, which she gave to the bingo manager’s daughter.

The reason I’m telling you this is because, this morning, I was taking Debz into town and Kylie Minogue’s, ‘Never too late’ came on and reminded me of this.

And as the song went on I was telling Debz how much I hated SAW at the time but how, over the years, I’d come to realise that it wasn’t actually as bad as I thought and how much I’d come to like pretty much all of their output with the exception of Jason Donovan who’s songs I thought were awful.

What I’ve come to realise is that instead of being the dross that I’d taken it for, it turns out to have been perfectly crafted pop; songs that were upbeat and cheered people up.

All those songs I couldn’t stand, I’ve found that I love now. I know all the words of them; they’ve become classic pop hits after all, and are part of British chart history. I sing along to them (even more out of tune than poor old Jason was) and they bring a smile to my face.

And as much as I was a snob about SAW, I’ve been on the opposite side of the fence when so many others have ridiculed my love of certain artists.

Here are a couple of examples for you.

Let’s start off with Village People. I loved them. Still do. I first came across them in the autumn of 1977 when I walked into a record shop in Ashford, Middlesex, and they were playing a disco 12” called, ‘San Francisco.’ It sounded a bit ‘camp’ but I liked it. After all, I was just getting into disco.

A couple of months later, they released, ‘Macho Man,’ which was even more so.

My friends started asking why I was playing that rubbish. They weren’t prepared for what was to come.

‘YMCA’ was next, followed by ‘In The Navy’ and then ‘Go West.’ All of a sudden they were big in the UK, but maligned by many of my friends.

I didn’t care. I loved them. Their songs were danceable, fun, very, very catchy and suddenly they were being played everywhere.

I bought the album ‘Crusin’ and to this day, I still have it, having bought it again a few years ago.

I couldn’t care less that disco was looked down on because it was ‘gay’ music. I loved it. Always will.

The next one couldn’t be more different.

It’s 1980 and I’ve got my first car. On the cassette you’d hear compilations of 12” singles, UB40’s ‘Signing Off’ album, the Diana Ross album that included, ‘Upside Down,’  ‘I’m Coming Out,’ and ‘My Old Piano’, The Crusaders album, ‘Streetlife,’ ‘Donna Summer’s, ‘Greatest Hits’ compilation and more of that ilk. After all, I’m a 20 year-old ‘cool cat’ with an image to uphold.

But what nobody knew, was that when I was on my own, I very often wouldn’t be listening to any of them, because, under my driver seat, sat a Barry Manilow cassette, called ‘Manilow Magic.’ I’d have been mortified if anyone had found out! After all, this was music my Mum liked.

12 unadulterated schmaltzy classic songs that at 20, I wasn’t going to tell anyone I loved. It was the most uncool, untrendy music on the planet.

But those songs... They grabbed me by the throat, shook me about and had me singing every time. Great songs, well performed (apart from my versions)... an audio treat for me.

I love a song with some soul in it, and his performances are from the heart.

‘Looks Like We Made It,’ ‘Ready To Take A Chance Again,’ Tryin’ To Get That Feeling Again,’ and the wonderful, ‘Weekend in New England,’ still, today, reach me in a way that many other songs don’t: and not in a bad way. And for a bit of fun, you’ve always got ‘Copacabana!’

So who am I to say what’s good and what’s not?

That’s the thing about music. There’s something for everyone. It doesn’t matter what you like because, at the end of the day, it’s yours to like.

There’s plenty of music I can’t stand. Rap (after Rapper’s Delight), Grime, Drum and Bass, anything by U2, Oasis and Abba all come to mind. I could go on.

But here’s the thing. Just because I can’t stand any of them, it doesn’t mean that they’re not any good. It just means that they’re not for me.

They weren’t written for people like me. They have their own audience. It doesn’t mean that I’m right and have superb music taste and that if you like them you don’t. Reading this, you’d probably think the opposite!

Music snobs get on my nerves. They think they know it all. They think that they’re better than the rest of us. It’s not true. And it never will be.

Music touches us all in different ways. Music means something different to all of us.

I’ve loved music all my life. I don’t remember a time when I’ve not collected it. My collection comprises of many genres and many artists, from George Formby and Max Bygraves to Led Zeppelin and The Arctic Monkeys.

I used to hate Stock Aitken and Waterman, I don’t anymore. And I’m glad about that.

I get as much joy from hearing, Kylie’s hits as I do from hearing The Kaiser Chiefs singing, ‘Ruby,’ or The Eagles, ‘Lyin’ Eyes’ and long may that continue.

I love oldies. I’m nostalgic about music. It reminds me of my life, good and bad. I love as much musical naffness as I do the virtuosity of others.

And I feel sorry for those that can’t feel the same; those that are enclosed in their little ‘my genre’ closet and aren’t open to listening to other stuff.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go out of my way anymore to listen to what’s cool and trendy now. I don’t pretend to like something modern in order to keep a bit of ‘street cred.’ I honestly couldn’t care less anymore. After all, we all have our own journey on this road to musical niceness.

But I love it when I do hear something new that gives me that same feeling that those new singles did when I was growing up.

But somehow, I can’t see it happening too much. And it doesn’t matter, because it’s not been written with my demographic in mind.

But as Kylie Minogue sang this morning, “It’s never too late, we’ve still got time...”

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Guilty Pleasures...stop saying it!

For ages, I’ve used the phrase ‘Guilty Pleasure’ whenever I’ve talked about something I like and I know it’s not cool and trendy. But recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no such thing.

You either like something or you don’t.

And when you choose to bracket your choice by saying it’s a ‘Guilty Pleasure,’ what you’re saying is that your overall taste isn’t as crap as you that particular thing you’re saying you like is.

But let’s get it straight, right here and right now!

What someone else thinks badly of your taste in anything is not your problem. It’s theirs.

After all, I’m pretty sure that there are things you don’t like that other people do. I’m sure you’ve heard someone else say that something is their ‘Guilty Pleasure.’ We all do it.

We’re all as bad as each other.

But do you realise how silly that is? If someone looks down on you because of your taste in something, surely they’re the one who needs to be more open-minded.

When we say a piece of music or a film is a Guilty Pleasure, what you’re really saying is, “I like it but please don’t judge me.”

I’ve come to the decision that no longer will I call anything a Guilty Pleasure. I think you should too stop too. It’s time to stand tall and proud!

We should have the courage of our convictions! And when saying so, we shouldn’t preface it with an apology for liking it. There’s no need to.

Let me give you some examples of the way I’ve made excuses for liking things.

Last year, I decided to buy the ‘Howard’s Way’ box set of DVDs. I only ever saw the first series of it when it was on the telly back in 1986 and for all it’s ‘ham’ acting, I really liked it and wanted to see the rest. In fact, had it the show been more polished, it probably wouldn’t have worked for me. The stories were fine, it was some of the actors who were a bit under-par, but for me, it was a must-watch.

And when I said last year that I was looking to buy it, people 'took the Mickey' and said what a crap series it was and how I was wasting my money.

“But it’s a Guilty Pleasure of mine,” I replied.

I also bought the set of ‘Sunday Night At The LondonPalladium’ shows. They take me back to watching them with my parents as a child. I don’t care, I’m a nostalgic person, it’s my cup of tea. It doesn’t have to be anyone else's.

In the same way, I love Russ Conway’s plinky-plonky piano playing. It reminds me of being a little boy and it holds great memories for me. I like the tunes too but when I mention it to anyone, I always say that Russ Conway is a ‘Guilty Pleasure’ of mine. The truth is when I listen to his music, I don’t feel guilty, I feel happy!

Surely what we like as individuals is up to us? Just because someone else doesn’t like it doesn’t make us wrong and them right any more than if it were the other way around.

I love a Rom-Com. I enjoy them and they make me feel good. I’m not a lover of War films, James Bond or Jason Bourne type films. Halfway through them, I start to get bored. And those dark Batman films just leave me cold. But put Love Actually or Pretty Woman on, I’m as happy as Larry.

I can’t stand X-Factor, The Only Way Is Essex, Love Island or any of those kinds of telly programmes. I love Documentaries, doing up your house programmes and Strictly Come Dancing. And I don’t see why I have to apologise for it.

And neither should you. We’re all individuals. And my God, wouldn’t it be boring if we all liked the same thing?

You shouldn’t be surprised if you hear that I’m listening to, and loving Cheesy Music – Even, Rene & Renato’s, ‘Save Your Love’ makes me smile.

So I’ve decided, I’m no longer making any apologies to the Music Police for the kinds of music I like nor will I apologise to the film critics for my taste.

I love the music I was brought up with now, even though I didn’t like some of it then. My Dad’s brass band and easy listening music used to do my head in – now I love it and have been hunting down all his old albums. In fact, over the last year or so I’ve bought box sets of Ray Conniff and Edmundo Ros amongst others.

I make no apologies for not wanting to like new music. Why should I? 90% of it I don’t like – I’m not in its demographic to start off with. So why bother trying to pretend I’m cool and trendy for liking it when I don’t.

And I’ll make no apologies for liking some novelty hit from the early 60s. Joe Brown’s, ‘Jellied Eels’ will give me more pleasure than any opus from Led Zeppelin ever will. I'm not knocking them, I just like what I like,

Abba make me cringe. Programmes like ‘Shameless’ or ‘Who wants to Be A Millionaire’ will never be on my watch list but that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of superior being for not liking them. At the same time, I like The Spice Girls, Michael Portillo’s Railway journey shows and ‘Lovejoy’.

When it comes down to it, it’s all down to choice and I don't feel I should have to justify what I like to anyone. And neither should you.

We all love stuff that other people think is rubbish. But it’s my rubbish. You don’t have to like it.

I like what I like and I’m not going to hide it away because of what others may think. It’s time to bring some of the great music, films, TV shows and whatever else I like out of the closet.

It’s time to parade our unique likes, and to Hell with those who look down on us.

Let 2021 be the year when we finally say goodbye to the term ‘Guilty Pleasure’ and let’s finally stand tall with our heads held high, behind what we, as individuals like.

As I sing to myself the classic, “Oh your red scarf matches your eyes...”

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