What makes you happy?

 I was talking to a friend last night. We haven’t spoken for a while and, as usual, got to talking about earning a living and he was telling me that he’s got a kiosk open at the moment and that he’s making decent money. More than he normally would be earning at this time of year.

I asked him whether, as he was getting a living now, was he going to keep it there or will he be travelling on fairgrounds when he’s allowed.

His reply was travelling on fairgrounds, even if he takes less money. “Why?” I asked.

“I can’t wait to get back on a ground, to be able to do my jobs in the morning, to walk out and have a chat with the other men on the ground, to be able to visit all the places they normally do, to be able to nip into town in and go to the pub for a bit of dinner.”

The upshot of our conversation was that no amount of money would make him feel better than being able to do the thing he loves. He loves the social side of travelling at fairs more than the money he earns.

And really, at the end of the day isn’t that more important.

I was reading recently that people are happier when they earn more money but only until they reach a certain point. But the upshot of that is that we trade our time for that money.

I’ve worked hard, long hours for most of my life and in general, I enjoy what I do, but when I had my run-in with the lodger on my kidney 4 years ago, I worried about whether I would live to see my next birthday and how many more times I’d get to see my sons. Money and the acquisition of it didn’t come into my thinking once.

In one of my blogs recently, I talked about having plenty of money not making you immune to problems and stress in your life and I stand by that.

And while we all need money, we probably don’t need to be earning as much as we think.

To be honest, all we really need is enough to look after ourselves, have a drink with our friends and a holiday every now and again.

Whilst earning plenty of money may enable us to drive high end cars, stay in swanky hotels and fly first class, do they really bring us more happiness?

Working every hour God sends doesn’t make for happiness. In Germany, if you’re still in the office after 6pm, they say it’s because you’re not productive enough during the day. In the Netherlands, over half the workers work a four day week.

It seems to me that driving a nice Mercedes may be nicer than driving a 17 year old Ford Mondeo (which is what I do), but having to work even harder to buy one wouldn’t make me happier – In the UK, only 36% of people buy their cars outright. The rest lease or buy via a loan.

To me, that just makes no sense. I’d rather have my car, which has given me trouble-free motoring since I bought it 5 years ago than 2 or 3 years worth of payments.

I’ve bought 2 cars in my 35 years of driving that had payments attached and I really begrudged paying month by month for something that was only worth half of the sum I’d spent on them 2 years earlier.

And not for one moment do I think that when I’m on my deathbed, will I be thinking that I wish I’d worked harder to have had nicer things. Stuff never has made me happy in the long term.

It’s always nice at the beginning, but that wears off really quickly. Don’t get me wrong, having nice things is nothing to be ashamed of. If I had plenty of money, I’d live in a nicer house, drive a better car and take better holidays, but they aren’t the be-all and end-all for me.

Work can, and often does bring you professional fulfilment. But as my friend proved to me last night, true happiness is doing things you enjoy and being around the people you care for. And usually, they’re not work or wealth associated.

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The Music Of My Life 22

 This album came out when I was 12. It wasn't the coolest of albums for a 12-year-old to want, but there was something about his songs that just got me at the time.

Even now, some 44 years later I still love the album. The lyrics tell a story and are a masterclass in songwriting. Simple songs, great storytelling and it has a nostalgic feeling to it that even as a kid I could understand.

We all know the song 'Clair' but this album is so much more.

And 'The Golden Rule' always makes me smile. Have a listen and you'll see what I mean.

If you can't see the video, click here

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Taking stock

 

It’s funny how as you get older, you start to see things in a different way.

I was reading something this morning that caused me to look back and take stock of how I’ve changed over the years.

When I was growing up, my Mum always wanted me to give a good impression of myself when I was out and about because as she used to say, “First impressions count.”

And I found that as she drummed this into me from being a little boy, I tended to worry about what people thought of me. I was always trying to give a good first impression of myself so that people would like me.

After all, we all want to be liked, don’t we?

I found that I was always adapting my ways trying to please others. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t trying to fool people into thinking I was something I was not. I was just trying to give a good impression of myself. And because of this, I’d often find myself doing stuff I didn’t want to do, to impress people that I didn’t even need to be trying to impress.

I’m not saying that I’d do things that could have gotten me into trouble, I’m just saying that I’d end up getting involved in things I didn’t want to do or even be interested in.

But, because I was always trying to give that good first impression, from then onwards, I was trying to live up to that ideal I’d created. And that was hard to maintain.

The downside of that was that instead of just saying ‘no,’ I’d go along with things just so I didn’t upset anyone. But what that did, was to lower my self-esteem, which would have been better served by me just saying, “No I don’t want to.” That would have been more honest.

And I suppose that’s the downside of trying to show a good image of myself all the time. I’d end up feeling like an outsider trying to conform to fit in.

However, as I got older I’ve realised that I don’t need to try to give a good impression of myself to people. In fact, these days I’m the opposite. I don’t give a fig and two farts about what people think of me anymore.

My self-image has finally caught up with me. I know I’m an OK person. I know I don’t go out of my way to upset or cause problems for other people.

As well as my Mum trying to get me to create a good impression, she also taught me to treat others as I’d like to be treated and for 99% of the time, I think I do. And because I’m happy in myself, I no longer feel the need to impress anyone.

As it happens, that’s now flipped the other way. I know I’m a decent human being and so, If someone doesn’t like me, then that is their problem.

What’s more, I’m more interested in what I think of them. These days, I’m more likely to be found watching others’ actions, because they speak louder than their words.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for people to impress me. I’ve realised that I don’t need 20,000 friends.

I know the kind of people I like, and I know the kind of people I don’t. And it’s their actions and the way they go on that informs me of what group they’re in.

I can tell 'my people’ just by their everyday actions; the way they talk about people and the way they treat people.

‘My people’ stand out from the crowd. And the funny thing is, they’re not a bunch of clones. They’re all different, they’ve often come from varying walks of life but they’ll have something that makes me like them.

And then I’ll see the others who aren’t.

And it’s as I’ve got older that I’ve realised, as much as I used to think Mum was wrong with imploring me to show my best side all the time, what she’d done was taught me to try to be my best all the time.

My best isn’t perfect, not even close. Sometimes, I let myself down badly because I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’ll make a fool of myself, but I won’t try to make a fool out of anyone else.

I’m not a malicious person. I don’t piss-take. I like banter...and if I’m playing my part in it, it’s because I like you. If I didn't,  I wouldn’t be taking part in it. In fact, it’s pretty safe to say that if I don’t like someone, I won’t even be there to be part of the conversation in the first place.

I tend to not stay around people I don’t bond with. It’s not that I’m a snob, I just like to be comfortable. That doesn’t make me better than them, after all, we’re all different.

I have 'my people,’ you have yours. That’s how life is.

I’m not without faults - I’m still trying to be a better me. That won’t change. I can always be better than I am now. That’s just my way.

Mind you, I’m just a whole lot more comfortable with me than I used to be. It’s just a shame that it took 50-odd years to get here.

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My Top 10s - Sunday night telly...

This week, I'm taking a trip back down memory lane to look at my favourite, 'Sunday Night TV programmes.'

However, many of them weren't on a Sunday at all! What I'm talking about are shows with that laid back feel that would ease you into a Sunday. Debz calls them 'Cake and Custard' shows if you know what we mean. Light-hearted dramas with comedy involved (with the exception of one which is just comedy).

These are shows that we've enjoyed over the years, so much so, that I've bought many of them on DVD so that we can rewatch whenever the mood takes us.

10) Death In Paradise

Set on the island of St Marie, the show has had a revolving cast over the years with each main character being a British detective leading the investigations of the local police. The detectives are, in their own way a little quirky, and each has brought a novel twist to the show. You can catch it now on the BBC, and the first eight series are available on Netflix in the UK.

9) Born and Bred

Based in the fictional village of Ormston in Lancashire in Lancashire, it follows the lived of the villagers, in particular the doctors, father and son team of Arthur and Tom Gilder (Played by James Bolam and David French). Maggie Steed, who played the role of pub landlady Phyllis Woolf, is also in one of the other shows on this list.

8) Kingdom

The series follows Peter Kingdom (Stephen Fry), a small-town solicitor whose work revolves around cases brought by the eclectic and eccentric populace of  Norfolk village Market Shipborough (fictional). Ably assisted by his sidekick, Lyle (Karl Davies) they go about sorting the problems of the village whilst also having to deal with his wayward sister Beatrice (Hermoine Norris). It's available to watch on the ROKU channel in the UK at the moment.

7) The Darling Buds Of May

Set in rural 1950s Kent, it follows the life of the Larkin family. It starred David Jason as "Pop" Larkin alongside Pam Ferris as "Ma" Larkin, with Catherine Zeta-Jones playing their eldest daughter Mariette, who marries tax inspector Cedric "Charley" Charlton, played by Philip Franks. 'Pop' is a farmer, who also a bit of a wheeler-dealer, flirtatious with ladies, and charming, good-hearted, but always on the lookout to keep the money flowing in. This is the programme that brought Catherine Zeta-Jones to most people's attention.

6) Last Of The Summer Wine

 Set and filmed in and around Holmfirth, West Yorkshire, England, and centred on a trio of old men and their youthful misadventures; the main three characters changed over the years but the ones we all think of as the best line up were 'Compo' (Bill Owen), 'Cleggy' (Peter Sallis) and 'Foggy' (Brian Wilde). The show ran from 1973 - 2010 and was a masterpiece of comedy. You can still see it on Britbox and it was recently showing on UKTV

5) Jonathan Creek

It stars Alan Davies as the title character, who works as a creative consultant to a stage magician while also solving seemingly supernatural mysteries through his talent for logical deduction and his understanding of illusions. Caroline Quentin was his first side-kick, but along the way, there have been four others. Series 1-5 are still available to watch on the BBC iplayer.

4) Pie In The Sky

Detective Inspector Henry Crabbe is a long-serving police officer in the fictional county of Westershire. Henry Crabbe, while still being an on-duty, "semi-retired" policeman (much against his will), is the head chef and owner of the title restaurant set in the town of Middleton which he runs alongside his wife who is played by Maggie Seed (also in 'Born & Bred'). The shows follow his investigations as well as his attempts to run the restaurant. The show can still be seen on UKTV.

3) Monarch Of The Glen

The first five series of Monarch of the Glen told the story of young restaurateur Archie MacDonald (Alastair Mackenzie,) trying to restore his childhood home in the Scottish Highlands, alongside  Richard Briers, Susan Hampshire, and Dawn Steele, whilst the final two series of the show focused on new Laird Paul Bowman trying to modernise the estate, primarily starring Lloyd Owen The show is based loosely on Sir Compton McKenzies 'Highland Novels' but set in the early 2000s as opposed to the 30s and 40s of the books.

2) Ballykissangel

Originally, the story revolved around a young English Roman Catholic priest, Peter Clifford (Stephen Tompkinson) as he became part of a rural community. It showed him trying to fit in with the local community but often hindered by  Father Macanally (Niall Tobin).  This show rated highly until both Tompkinson and bar owner Asssumpta Fitzgerald (Dervla Kirwan) left at the end of series 3. The show continued for three more series when it was ended, but the show at its best was a total joy to watch.

1) Lovejoy

I just loved this series. The series concerns the adventures of the Lovejoy (Ian McShane), a roguish antiques dealer based in East Anglia. Within the trade, he has a reputation as a "divvy", a person with almost unnatural powers of recognising exceptional items as well as distinguishing genuine antiques from fakes or forgeries. Assisted by Tinker (Dudley Sutton) and his ever so slightly dim, assistant, Eric (Chris Jury), they solved the mysteries. The show, like so many others, started to run out of steam when original cast members Phyllis Logan (Lady Jane) and Chris Jury left the show and were replaced by Daine Parish who played Lovejoy's new apprentice, Beth Taylor and Caroline Langrishe who played Charlotte Cavendish, the new lady in Lovejoy's life. The show is the epitome of what I call Sunday Night TV.

There are many other shows in this category that I could have chosen, but these are the ones that I loved. Let me know what show you thought should be in this line-up.

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The Music Of My Life 21

A favourite of mine, this record takes me back to when I used to go and stay with my sister after she'd got married.

My brother in law's dad used to travel a set of dodgems, and they used to open at Englefield Green, near Windsor.

I remember being there when this single was out, and it was the year actress Diana Dors (who lived close by) came on the ground one Saturday afternoon.

She had a ride on the dodgems and I spent the entire time bumping into her car and knocking her all around the track.

Being only 12 at the time, I didn't feel any embarrassment in going up to her and asking for her autograph afterwards,

I only wish I still had it, for I'll never forget what she wrote:

"To James who banged me 100 times! Love Diana Dors"

Happy days!

If video doesn't play, click here

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Continuing education works for me.

 I can’t say that I liked school much. There were so many other things I’d rather be doing. I didn’t like the teachers much. All they did was tell me to do stuff I didn’t really want to do, and the stuff I wanted to do, like talking to my friends, they wouldn’t let me do.

I didn't like the majority of the lessons. I hated maths – all I felt I needed to do was learn to count. For the life of me, I never thought I’d ever need algebra in my life, and to this day, I don’t think I’ve ever needed to use it.

The sciences did nothing for me – cutting up frogs wasn’t something I planned doing in later life. In fact, I didn’t want to cut up anyone! If I had plans on being a doctor, then yes it may have been of interest.  Blowing up the lab seemed like it could be fun – after all if we could do that, I wouldn’t have to do that again! The only thing I’ve ever been good at concocting is a decent cup of tea!

And as for physics! Too much like maths for me, although years later when I had a little set of chairs that went round too fast, I wished I’d understood about ratios in order to get the right sized flywheel to slow it down.

History was OK if the teacher wasn’t as bored as I was. I’d have loved Geography had it been all about places and not cumulous clouds and rock strata as well.

Sport was good though. As was Madamoiselle Rieg, our french teacher who was pretty good looking and sounded as sexy as hell when she spoke (at least to my 14 year old self she did).

And as for exams, I could never see the point – and still don’t.

It’s easy for someone to freeze up on the day, and it’s not so easy to cram for the tests. The purpose of exams to me, is to show that the student has a decent memory for data and that they can put it down on paper succinctly.

I still feel that people’s results should be down to the coursework completed during the course of the year. The teacher should be able to tell whether the student has pulled their weight in class over the year, should have a good idea of whether the student has understood and learnt the material covered. And if they aren’t able to recognize that, then perhaps they should be in another career.

I ended up leaving public school without any qualifications – I didn’t end up doing my ‘O’ levels because my Dad was ill at the time and instead of going to school to do the exams, at 16, I stayed at home and run the family business.

Therefore going by my official exam status, I’m bottom of the barrel and would struggle to get a job anywhere these days. That’s OK though, I don’t want one anyway. I’m happier working at my own things.

But here’s the funny thing.

I’m all for education. I’ve continued learning all my life. In fact this morning, I’ve signed up for a course to learn how the fundamentals of some software I recently bought and have been trying to teach myself how to use properly.

Given time, I think I could master it on my own, but I feel I can speed up the process by enrolling on a course that will show me many tips and techniques that I would take ages to find, and some that I never would.

Over the years, I’ve signed up to many courses. I did a website building course, I’ve gained an NVQ level 2 in I.T. and I’ve been learning Spanish online as well.

I read plenty of self improvement books, on all kinds of subjects. I read autobiographies and biographies. Whenever I get involved in anything, I buy books that will help me in that area.

As examples: When I was doing discos, I hunted down business books and books on promotion to help me put it on a firm footing. When I started doing radio, I bought books on technique, on how to use various pieces of equipment. I learned what it would take to run a station, how to set up playlists, how to format a show. I asked questions to well established presenters. I was open and willing to accept advice and critique.

I am constantly looking at ways to make me a better me. I’m always open to finding new ways of doing things.

I even signed up to an online course to learn to play a piano on a whim once. I’ve always liked the idea of playing piano like Fats Domino or even Russ Conway. I do love a bit of plinky-plonk. One day I’ll get around to it. I just need a piano!

So yes, I’m a great believer in education. But personally, I like to learn what I like to learn.

I was not a success, certificate-wise at school. The things I’ve learned in life that have been useful to me are pretty much things that weren’t available to me at the time.

I think it’s important that we all continue to educate ourselves. Life is an ongoing education in itself.

I found the most important part of schooling, preparing for those final exams, tedious. I was more interested in developing business skills, which I did at home, in our arcade. School didn’t set me up to develop the kind of business I was going into.

And because of that, I didn’t think it was right for me at the time. For me personally, I’ve found education better when it’s been about the things I had an interest in. Sadly, most of what I learned in school hasn’t been of much use to me as an adult.

The majority of things that have been important in my life were taught by my family and associates I’ve made along the way.

I can’t say having no qualifications has made my life more difficult. It wasn’t as if I was going to be a scientist, and investment banker or a vet.

The thing I learnt most at school was when I was boarding at Prior Park, and that was sticking up for myself and being independent. Although painful at the time, it’s helped me stand my ground in this world.

I will say though, that I wish I’d have paid more attention in English classes. It would make my writing more coherent that it is now!

Surprisingly, I have to say, one of the joys of my life is learning. I love the sense of achievement when I master something new.

So I can see quite plainly, that me and education are going to be together for a while to come.

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Failure is your friend

Whether you know it or not, failure is your friend...and your teacher. It’s a bold statement I know, but it’s true nevertheless.

I’ve got to admit for many years I didn’t think this was the case, but after a lifetime of trying and failing at many things, I’ve come to the realisation that failure has taught me far more in life than I ever thought it would.

The fact is that if you don’t fail, you’ll never win. And that’s because we’re not born brilliant at anything. Think about it, how many times have you seen a baby fall over in their quest to walk? I read recently that the average baby will fall over at least 40-50 times an hour in their attempts.

Babies don’t understand failure. They don’t fall over a couple of times and think to themselves, “Stuff this, I’ll just sit down from now on. This will never work!” They just keep getting up and trying until they succeed. And as parents, we’ll encourage them to keep trying.

And yet it’s after this time, that we start telling them "no". Usually, we try to stop them from doing things because we’re frightened of them hurting themselves, but that is the start of us passing on our fears to them and that’s when the start of the fear of failure begins to be transferred onto them.

And the more we hear it, the more we succumb to the thinking that failing is bad.

But to be honest, it’s not true. Failure is our friend. It’s when we fail at anything, if we’re willing to, we’ll learn from it and it will become a stepping stone to something else.

I’d bet money that people who are more successful than you have failed more than you. They’ll have stepped into the arena more than you. They’ll have had more failures, maybe not massive ones, but more none the less. And given hindsight, I’d even go so far as to say that failure is what makes life interesting.

Could you imagine if everything went right? You’d have to be covering the same ground over and over again because to move on you need to learn. And from my own personal experience, it’s in the moving on that mistakes happen.

Let me give you some examples from my life.

I failed my 11+ exam, so couldn’t go to the school my parents wanted me to go to. And rather than send me to our local Comprehensive school, I ended up going into the Public School system which I hated.

I was away from home from 14 years old, was extremely homesick, getting bullied and as a result, didn’t do as well as I could have done given my capabilities. On the flip side, I learned to stick up for myself, become not only resilient but independent as well.

Businesswise, since I’ve been an adult. I travelled on fairgrounds but ended up stopping after I’d worked all summer and the money we’d saved was spent during 6 weeks of poor business. I had no idea what I’d do next, I just knew I wouldn’t be doing that the following year.

Later, I developed an online travel business, Go2morrow.com from the ground up. With no knowledge of the travel industry but gut instinct, I decided to have a go. I taught myself how to build a website, went out of my comfort zone to approach many businesses about being part of my website, attended trade shows trying to share my business idea with various hotels, B&Bs, holiday camps etc, to get them to come on board. I did all of this and over the first few months of trading, I was getting in excess of 1,000000 hits per month on the site.

You would think that’s successful, but I failed to get others in to help and over the next 18 months, I became drowned under the amount of work I was doing and ended up losing the business because I couldn’t keep up,

I joined the Amway business and built a reasonable network business. I worked my socks off trying to help others all over the country develop theirs. However, before I’d got the business into a sustainable position, I was taken ill and didn’t work for 6 months, and because it wasn’t yet sustainable, the business dwindled without my input into it.

As I developed a radio career, my marriage fell apart. No-one’s fault but mine.

I started an online magazine, ‘Pure Grooves’, alongside my partner Debz. It was growing nicely but not bringing in enough money to pay its way and 11 months later we decided to call it a day.

And from 2016 when I had my cancer scare and lost my kidney, I panicked and decided that I needed to do something else. And over the next 3 years, I spent pretty much all of it trying to put together two more business plans, neither of which came through to fruition.

Is there enough failure there for you?

And I’m not ashamed to tell you that during all that failure, there’s been a whole load of pain, intense pain, but what’s come from that, and over a period of years, I’ve become mentally stronger.

For years, through so many of those businesses I’ve had, I had so much self-doubt. When each of those businesses closed, I beat myself up. I heard people say, “Told you so” and I knew people laughed about my misfortunes (because others came and told me what was being said).

The cancer scare however, changed everything – it freed me from fear and self-doubt. It enabled me. It made me realise how brave I’d been, how daring.

Sure I remember the pain of the situations. But I realised that pain is part of the process and that failure, although it temporarily demoralised me and wore me down, it never stopped me.

Because in the middle of the night, when I’d be awake re-running everything through my mind, over a period of time, I came to realise the lessons I’d learned could be useful in the next episode of my life.

And what’s more, as I’ve read more and more stories about successful people, I’ve found that they too have had their own situations much like mine. I’ve realised that for so many people, failure has been a stepping stone on their road to success.

I’ve heard story after story of the ‘overnight sensation’ who’d been at it for 10 years before they'd caught a break.

And are you aware that it took James Dyson, 5126 prototypes before he came up with the vacuum cleaner that we know of now? Or that Walt Disney went to 302 banks before he found one that was willing to take a chance on him? Or that it took Thomas Edison over 11,000 attempts to come up with the incandescent lightbulb?

Success doesn’t come easily.

I’ve had more failures than you can shake a stick at, and so have many others. I’m not saying that I'm a success, I’m still on my journey. However, the only ones who never fail are those that never try.

Those that rise in their lives fail often, whether it be in the workplace, pursuing a higher position, in their cause, or trying to build a business will fail. 

In our personal lives building a family and relationships, we’ll fail – maybe not drastically, but we’ll fail along the way.

What you have to remember is that we’re not born perfect. When we’re born, we know nothing and along the way we learn. And in the learning, we fail. Far more often than we’d like.

But once you realise that failure is your friend, once you understand that each little failure is a lesson, it really does give you freedom.

Obviously, not the freedom to just dive into everything willy nilly, but it gives you to freedom to give it a go whatever it is.

It may be that you need to take a deep breath and tell someone how you feel about them. It may be that you really want to start your own business but are scared that you don’t know enough. I can promise you, you'll never know enough to begin!

Whatever it is that deep-down you know you want to do or be, don’t let the fear of failure stop you. And don’t worry about getting things wrong. You could learn something far more valuable.

You can take a risk. Weigh up the pros and cons. Don’t worry about what people think. After all, it’s your life.

Be prepared. It’s not always going to be hunky-dory, but it’s not always going to be a misery either.

Yes, it’s good to be aware of the risks in regard to the things you want to do. But don’t let the fear of failure hold you back.

I’ve failed many times, but I’d rather that, than being laid on my deathbed wondering,  “What if?” I'd rather the fear of failure than the fear of regret.

Do your homework. Be aware that there’s risk in everything you do, but don’t let the fear of failure hold you back if there’s something you really want to achieve in your life.

Take that first step, get the ball rolling, and go for it. And remember....failure is your friend!

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