A lesson learned early.

Last night as I was trying to get to sleep, a memory came into my mind which has played a huge part in making me the man that I am. I hadn't thought about it for a couple of years and it hadn't really made that much impression on me until last night.

I was 5 or 6 at the time, and playing on the beach behind our arcade at Burnham on Sea. I had a bucket and spade and I was digging a hole (as you do).

A much bigger boy came over to me, punched me a few times and chased me away.

I ran back to the arcade to my Dad, and was crying as I told him what happened.

What he said and did at the time has greatly influenced the man that I have become.

I can't remember the exact words, but basically, he made me go back and fight the bigger boy and stand up to him. He followed a little way back to make sure I didn't get a good hiding as the boy was much bigger than me. Dad made me point the boy out and then he said something that has stayed with me throughout my life.

His words went like this, "Don't come crying to me that someone's punched you. There won't always be someone to sort it out for you. You have to stand your ground no matter how big they are."

Weeks earlier, I remember my brother Bill had come home bleeding after having been beaten up by some of the local teens. He stood out because he had a London accent in a town full of Somerset accents and he was well dressed. If you like he was a minority.

Anyway, Dad made me go back. I went back down the beach (scared as anything I might add) and went up to the boy and told him I wanted my bucket and spade back. He told me I couldn't have them, so although scared, I ran at him and hit him. The punch knocked him over (I don't think he really expected it) and we started grappling on the sand and he started to hurt me again.

After what seemed like an age, my Dad separated us and we came away with the bucket and spade.

Since that day I've never liked fighting, but I've always stood my ground, never backed down and fought when I had to. And as a showman's son who went to boarding school, I had to fight a lot. I was called a smelly gyppo, a pikey. in fact, any derogatory term that could be used, was.

The fact is, it toughened me up and made me stronger. It also made me more aware.

Whenever I was in a situation where I thought a fight was going to happen, I always looked around me and surveyed the area, checked out who the people that were causing the trouble were, and decided who I was going to hit if it all kicked off and how I was going to get out of the situation unscathed.

In today's environment, with knife crime, as it is, I wonder if I'd still be here to tell the tale.

My Dad's words all those years ago and the things he taught me along the way, have made me the man that I am. I'd like to think that I've always stood up for myself and not backed down (and I'm not talking about fighting).

I've never gone looking to cause trouble and if possible, I'd rather not argue either.

But I will not be put down. So those things my Dad said to me have stayed with me to this day. He was a wise man, my Dad.

I'd much rather be like I am than one of the namby-pamby grizzle arses that many people have become these days.

Mind you I've never understood what makes people bully or why they have to make others feel inferior either. I don't suppose I ever will.

 

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The problem with comparing yourself to others.

Sometimes, I look around at other people who are doing  what I do and realise that I’m nowhere close to so many of them in terms of talent.

Some, I’m better at what I do (at least I think, in terms of work quality), but they’re still more successful than I am.

And it can lead to hours of overthinking and beating myself up. Often asking the question, “What am I doing wrong?”

I’m beginning to believe that doing that never helps. All it seems to do is make things harder. It doesn’t aid creativity, it doesn’t aid confidence.

I was intrigued to read something the other day that made me think. I subscribe to writer James Clear’s* weekly newsletter and in it this week he was talking about this very subject. And he quoted Martha Graham, one of the most important dance choreographers of the 20^th Century,

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of the time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.”

As James went on to expand, “Martha Graham’s advice takes this concept a step further by explaining that not only are you a bad judge of your own work, it is not your job to judge your own work. It is not your place to compare it to others. It is not your responsibility to figure out how valuable it is or how useful it can be. It is not your job to tell yourself, “No.”

Instead, your responsibility is to create. Your job is share what you have to offer from where you are right now.”

And it certainly made sense to me. Instead of beating myself up, it makes sense to just get involved in what I’m doing and enjoy the process.

I’m sure that then, the resultant work will be better because instead of second-guessing each step, trying to make sure I’m better than someone else, I can enjoy what I’m doing for its own sake, resulting in less stress.

I think that then, there will be an automatic improvement in what I do.

It reminds me that perhaps it’s time to once again pick up the book, ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself’ and follow some of it’s lessons.

After all, I talk to myself pretty much all day, as does everyone else. Each thought, each time I beat myself up when I tell myself I can’t, it just takes another little slither of self-confidence, which though it may not seem much at the time, will, over time, end up causing me to have so little self-confidence that I won’t try anything.

Luckily, I’m like a terrier. I keep snapping at the ankles of my situations and hate to give in. But the negativity keeps coming back.

And it’s why I read self-improvement books. They’re like a little boost of positivity that I can take whenever I need it.

It’s why I subscribe to newsletters of people that are moving on in life. I like to hear what they have to say.

We’re surrounded by negativity all the time. Just browsing Social Media will show you that. And it’s even worse when it’s us telling ourselves we can’t do something. When we’re beating ourselves over the head with defeatism.

It’s why I often delete people from Social Media; it’s why I constantly take a break from people. What's the point in enduring pessimism?

And when I read a positive book, it gives me the opportunity to take a break from me and listen to someone sharing their perspective on success. Not just of business, but in relationships too.

I was lucky to be raised and surrounded by people of good morals as I was growing up. Sadly, most of them have passed on and I find a lot of that same support in a book, or in a newsletter.

Don’t get me wrong, it may have taken a long time, but it took me until I was in my 50s before I realised that I like the person I’ve become. However, I am still a work in progress.

And I’ll leave you with this thought. 

If you are thinking to yourself, “Ah, but James, you’re no better off than me. You’re nothing to shout about.” Just imagine where I’d be if I didn’t get the input I get when I’m reading the positivity. Things could be a whole lot worse.

* You can find more about James Clear at JamesClear.com

 

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