I've been writing a book...

For years, people have been telling me that I should write a book about my life. They’ve read my Facebook recollections and think that my life has been interesting and that people would like to read about it.

At the beginning of this year, I decided that perhaps it was time to do it. I’ve just finished Chapter 13 and I’m at Boarding School.

But I haven’t enjoyed the process and I’m not ‘feeling’ what I’ve written. Yes, I’ve got the bare bones of the story down and to me it’s just drab and I can’t see why anyone would want to read it.

I also have parts of my life that are so personal to me that I don’t want to share them. The problem is, they are very important in explaining the person I am, they are integral to the story of my life. And yet, they were painful to live through and I certainly don’t want to talk about them publicly. And I can’t say I’m looking forward to telling my story and skipping over what were such important parts. Without them, it would change the essence of the story.

I’ve been sending each chapter to a close friend of mine to read as I’ve gone along. He was the first person who put forward the idea of me writing a book.

Yesterday, I wrote a Facebook post about parties we used to have in the shed when I was a teenager, and it led to my friend inboxing me and mentioning that he felt my Facebook writings felt different to the ones I’m writing in the book.

It got me thinking and questioning why they would be different. I think I know why.

When I started writing my story, I did loads of research. Asked relatives questions and started to put my story together. I’d go in the office and I’d start to write about a particular section of my story.

My Facebook writings come from a totally different place. I never spend time researching what I’m going to write.

More often than not, the ideas are sparked from a song on the radio. A song that takes me back to a certain time, a certain place, certain people or certain events that I’ve become emotionally invested in.

What I write on Facebook comes from the heart. Something has moved me enough that I want to write about it, to tell a story, to share some feelings. It’s altogether more personal.

I can wake up in the morning and half an hour later something has brought a story back to my memory or something I've thought about spurs me to write about it. A story that chokes me. A story that I need to tell. And so it just spills out. No effort, no researching. It’s all there at the forefront of my mind, fully formed and ready to tell. And I tell it as I see it. I'm not saying I'm right, it's just what I'm thinking at that given moment.

A glance down my Facebook timeline gives glimpses into my life, written with more feeling than I could write in a month of Sundays of going into the office and mechanically getting it down on paper.

I’m a heart on my sleeve kind of person. I write better when it’s coming from that part of me that cares enough to write about something. Anything else is just going through the motions.

It’s for that reason, I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to write the book.

I know people like the things I write. They tell me often enough. I love that my writing resonates with them, interests them and moves them enough to tell me so. And I’m really grateful for that.

I’m a sharer of memories and thoughts. Not an author.

I don’t feel comfortable writing in that way.

What I write on Social Media, either Facebook or in my blog, is something I need to say. It comes with my whole feeling.

And until I can write a book in the same way that I write my posts and blogs, I think I’m going to give it a miss.

If I can’t share my story in the way that I feel comes from the heart, then it’s not worth doing at all.

It’s just a waste of my time and would be a waste of yours because you wouldn’t be getting what you were expecting.

Therefore, it looks as though you’ll just have to put up with my writings on an ‘as and when’ basis. At least they’ll be from the heart, even if they do jump from one part of my life to another.

And what they’ll also be are my own thoughts, feelings and opinions that were strong enough that I felt they were worth sharing.

And that means it’s going to be ‘glimpses’ and 'flashbacks' from here on in. Just as it’s always been.

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To journal or not to journal

It's really odd, I have moments of clarity where I can remember events from my past vividly, and other times when I can't remember what I was doing ten minutes ago. The problem is, that I’m finding more and more often I’m in the latter camp.

People who know me think I have a great memory because I can delve into my past and remember events or thing with such clarity. However, there is usually a trigger that helps me to remember those things. It’s usually music.

I can hear a song or a snippet of music and I can be transported elsewhere in times past. And yet, without those triggers, I’m pretty poor at remembering things.

What concerns me though, is my short term memory these days. It’s so abysmal that I struggle to know what I’ve been up to on any given day. Admittedly, when we’ve spent so much time locked down and having hardly been out or about this year, it’s made it seem as though one day has warped into another and it seems to be like Groundhog Day on a consistent basis.

 With that in mind, I’m considering starting a journal, somewhere to write my thoughts, ideas, insights, plans etc.

 A few times as a teen, I tried to keep a diary, but after about 4-5 days, I stopped doing it as I never could be bothered. And that has stopped me from trying in the past few years.

 However, last summer, after reading a book by Austin Kleon, an artist who also writes, I decided to keep a logbook with daily inputs of work I’ve done with examples of work I’ve completed and ideas for work in them.

I’ve managed to keep this going since I started and have managed to complete each day, even if, on some days, my entry has read, “mentally drained, can’t think of anything, reading a book instead!”

Therefore, as I come to the end of the year, I’m thinking that maybe I’m now ready to do a journal.

Why? Well, to be honest, I often find I think about something, get sidetracked and the next day, I can’t remember what I was thinking about. If I had a journal, I could scribble whatever it was onto the page, and then when I wanted to revisit the idea, I’d only need to look at the page and what I’d written to give me a chance to look at the subject anew.

I’ve been trying look back to the beginning of this year and to be honest, I really can’t remember what I was doing, but when I looked back to the July entries in the logbook, it was easy to remember associated things to the work because my entries acted as memory joggers.

If I started journaling next year, then perhaps I could go back and see what other things I’d been up to and what some of my thought processes were, which may help to keep my memory more alert than it is now.

At various points in my life, I’ve been a voracious note taker and I used to have filled books of thoughts relating the field of business I was in at the time. Sadly, when my marriage broke up and I moved away, I appear to have misplaced them which is a great shame because I used to refer back to them quite a lot.

So maybe, writing a journal may be the way forward from here on in. It might help me to keep track of my life and enable me to refer to and take a fresh look at things. It may be that I could write down vague thoughts and ideas that could lead to different journeys in the future.

The process of writing down my thoughts and ideas may also keep them in my mind as well which would make them more memorable to me as well.

It may also keep me on track with things I want to do on a regular basis. I may get more done. Especially if we ever get our normal lives back in the not too distant future. 

One of those thoughts I have had and written down during this time when we seem to be stuck at home, may become an idea that kickstarts a new challenge once we can get back to doing other things. 

All in all, I think there are probably more pros than cons of doing so.

Or it may just be another thing that I start and after a while drift away from.

We shall see...

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The problem with comparing yourself to others.

Sometimes, I look around at other people who are doing  what I do and realise that I’m nowhere close to so many of them in terms of talent.

Some, I’m better at what I do (at least I think, in terms of work quality), but they’re still more successful than I am.

And it can lead to hours of overthinking and beating myself up. Often asking the question, “What am I doing wrong?”

I’m beginning to believe that doing that never helps. All it seems to do is make things harder. It doesn’t aid creativity, it doesn’t aid confidence.

I was intrigued to read something the other day that made me think. I subscribe to writer James Clear’s* weekly newsletter and in it this week he was talking about this very subject. And he quoted Martha Graham, one of the most important dance choreographers of the 20^th Century,

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of the time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.”

As James went on to expand, “Martha Graham’s advice takes this concept a step further by explaining that not only are you a bad judge of your own work, it is not your job to judge your own work. It is not your place to compare it to others. It is not your responsibility to figure out how valuable it is or how useful it can be. It is not your job to tell yourself, “No.”

Instead, your responsibility is to create. Your job is share what you have to offer from where you are right now.”

And it certainly made sense to me. Instead of beating myself up, it makes sense to just get involved in what I’m doing and enjoy the process.

I’m sure that then, the resultant work will be better because instead of second-guessing each step, trying to make sure I’m better than someone else, I can enjoy what I’m doing for its own sake, resulting in less stress.

I think that then, there will be an automatic improvement in what I do.

It reminds me that perhaps it’s time to once again pick up the book, ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself’ and follow some of it’s lessons.

After all, I talk to myself pretty much all day, as does everyone else. Each thought, each time I beat myself up when I tell myself I can’t, it just takes another little slither of self-confidence, which though it may not seem much at the time, will, over time, end up causing me to have so little self-confidence that I won’t try anything.

Luckily, I’m like a terrier. I keep snapping at the ankles of my situations and hate to give in. But the negativity keeps coming back.

And it’s why I read self-improvement books. They’re like a little boost of positivity that I can take whenever I need it.

It’s why I subscribe to newsletters of people that are moving on in life. I like to hear what they have to say.

We’re surrounded by negativity all the time. Just browsing Social Media will show you that. And it’s even worse when it’s us telling ourselves we can’t do something. When we’re beating ourselves over the head with defeatism.

It’s why I often delete people from Social Media; it’s why I constantly take a break from people. What's the point in enduring pessimism?

And when I read a positive book, it gives me the opportunity to take a break from me and listen to someone sharing their perspective on success. Not just of business, but in relationships too.

I was lucky to be raised and surrounded by people of good morals as I was growing up. Sadly, most of them have passed on and I find a lot of that same support in a book, or in a newsletter.

Don’t get me wrong, it may have taken a long time, but it took me until I was in my 50s before I realised that I like the person I’ve become. However, I am still a work in progress.

And I’ll leave you with this thought. 

If you are thinking to yourself, “Ah, but James, you’re no better off than me. You’re nothing to shout about.” Just imagine where I’d be if I didn’t get the input I get when I’m reading the positivity. Things could be a whole lot worse.

* You can find more about James Clear at JamesClear.com

 

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For the love of books!

 For the love of books

Most people who know me always think of me in terms of my love of music.

What many don’t realise is that my love of books and reading is almost as bad. After adding two more books to my collection yesterday and once again realising I have nowhere to put them, other than on my desk, I thought I’d ‘out myself’ as a bookworm.

I love all kinds of books, but my favourites are PMA books – Positive Mental Attitude as they’re known (or laughed at by those who just think it’s American hype).

I first discovered them in the summer of 1990 when I was walking around my local newsagents. A book called ‘The Magic of Thinking Big’ caught my eye, and having purchased it and read it, I was engrossed (I still have two worn-out copies amongst my collection).

A lot of what it said made sense to me and over the years, I’ve bought and read so many of them. Books like ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself’ and ‘Tough Times Never Last but Tough People Do’ have helped me through some times of great adversity. 

I read my books with a highlighter pen close by and most of my books have highlighted sentences or paragraphs with ideas and thoughts that seemed relevant to me at the time. It also means I can pick a book up and just read the highlighted parts when I need some wisdom.

I also love a biography or an autobiography. I enjoy reading what makes people tick. It’s rare that I don’t pick up a morsel of a thought that helps me in one way or another.

Fiction wise, David Baldacci and Ken Follett are favourites of mine.

The problem is that my books are taking over – I can’t bear to part with them.  As you can see in these photos, they’re taking over. My bookshelf in the office is full, my wardrobe in the bedroom has books piled on top of it (my TBR’s are at the front – To Be Read).

My office has them in amongst my LPs and on top of cabinets. 

And my bedside cabinet has a pile of books I read from before I go to sleep.

Downstairs, there’s even more. Debz and Niall are avid readers too – so the books I’m showing in the photos, probably only represent around a third of what we have in the house. I also have a 4 drawer filing cabinet in the garage which is pretty much full of books!

I can’t see us not continuing to buy books – if you wonder how I find the time to read them, around 25 years ago, said that you should aim to read for 15 minutes a day. Doing that, you’d read 4-5 books a year. I’ve always read more than that, so it’s never been a problem.

The way I look at it, my Mum taught me to read very early in my life. I could read before I went to school. I’ve always liked to read.

I’m surprised at how many people don’t – there’s a whole world of adventure, emotions, knowledge and advice inside those covers, from people far more erudite than I. And I can learn from their knowledge for as little as a couple of quid. Why wouldn’t I?

And besides, what would have been the point of learning to read, if I didn’t read? It makes no sense to me.

And if you’re thinking to yourself, “for all that reading, you haven’t achieved much.” My answer would be, “Maybe not, but could you imagine where I might have ended up had I not learned what I do know for these writers?”

Feel free to post photos of your book collections. I'm always intrigued by what other people read. If you post photos, can you hashtag them #jmlt - that way I can search and find them easily.

While you're at it, comment below to tell me about your collection of books. I'd love to know what you read. I'm nosey like that!

Until next time...

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Why write a blog?

 

The question is...why would I want to start a blog?

There’s a multitude of answers really.

The first one is that to be honest, I’m getting sick of social media. 

I left Twitter because it just felt toxic, full of keyboard bullies.

I never really ‘got’ Twitter and how it works. For starters, who’s ever known me to speak less than 150 characters? I’m not succinct enough for that.

And why all the hatred? It’s always seemed a venomous platform to me. Sadly, over the last four or five years, Facebook is heading in the same direction.

I understand it’s there for all of us to give our opinions. And let’s face it, the way the events have happened over the last few years, there’s plenty to have opinions on, but what used to be a place I went to get away from the humdrum routine of life, has now become even worse than that!

I stopped watching the news years ago because they only want to talk about the contentious, nasty side of life. I don’t need that. Life’s hard enough without voluntarily letting them make me feel worse every day.

But now, Social media is full of people who feel that they need to tell everyone what’s wrong with the World. Sadly, it’s taken over from a platform that I used to go to for fun. I understand that’s how it should be, everyone should be allowed to have their ‘voice.’ But it’s becoming too divisive for me. And I want to go there less and less.

Don’t get me wrong – people who know me personally will tell you that I’m opinionated and if I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it. But that will be in a face to face conversation. Not having a go at people in an arena where it’s not going to make a blind bit of difference.

However, you’d be right in thinking that I have a lot to say on Facebook – and what’s more, I’m going to be doing it here as well.

What I try not to do is get involved in slanging matches. If I’m having a rant, I try not to make it political. I try not to make it religious. I try not to aim it at any one person. I tend to speak generally.

Is it because I have a huge ego and feel that I need to be heard? Well, I’m not sure I have a huge ego. It’s a pretty good one, I’m happy in my skin and I quite like me (that took a lot of years though), but not so much that I think I’m anyone special.

So why do I want followers? I’m not really sure. I do think what I have to say will ring a bell with some people, may make some people laugh at times, and a multitude of other reasons. I’m not even sure that wanting followers is my main reason for writing a blog

What I’ve found out over the last 10 years or more, is that often, when I’m writing, it helps to clarify my own thoughts. I do it as much for me as for any other reason.

It helps me think and put my thoughts into a clear order. I’ve known myself to change my opinion during the writing of something.

Had I known that writing would do that, I’d have taken to writing a diary years ago (something I’ve never done).

In fact, until I joined Facebook, I didn’t really write anything. I’d keep scraps of paper with lists. I’d have notebooks with notes of things that I wanted to remember and could refer back to, but as to my thoughts, I never did.

Originally, I only joined Facebook in order to promote my discos. I’m not sure what happened, but along the way, that changed, and from never writing anything personal, I became the kind of person who would write drivel like this!

And one of the other reasons (and final one I’m going to talk about today), is to leave something in writing that my boys can read and understand their Dad a bit more.

I live 200 miles away from them and speak to them on a fairly regular basis, but they don’t really know what I’m like as a person anymore. 

I left them almost 11 years ago when my marriage broke up (at my instigation), and which was my fault. It caused a rift with both of them and it took a while for our relationships to get back on course.

Neither of them likes Social Media that much. Although they’re both on Facebook, James, the eldest hasn’t been on there for over 5 years and Henry, my youngest, only goes on there once in a blue moon. They just think it’s not a very nice place. In consequence, they hardly read anything I've written.

I’m hoping that they may well check this out once in a while and get a better idea of who their ‘old man’ is. Because I’m not the same person I was then.

Over the last 10 years, a lot has happened to make me feel differently, especially with my health issues which changed me and the way I think about life. Reading this may help them understand the man I’ve become.

And so,  that’s just a few reasons why I’ve chosen to write a blog.

I’m not sure what I’m going to write about, but I’ll do my best to try and make it entertaining.

If you’ve not subscribed to the newsletter yet, please do. It'll be a weekly thing, which will save you reading the blog every five minutes when I feel like contributing. And what's more, I’ll try to keep it entertaining and sometimes, even enlightening!

http://eepurl.com/hfgDFr

Till next time...