What optimism can do for you.

 

Author, Tim Hansel said, “Pain is inevitable but misery is optional,” and from personal experience, I’ve found it to be true.

It’s really easy to let yourself get down. After all, we all go through enough situations that we can feel bad about.

A look around social media (which at the moment seems to be the way most of us communicate) shows it up.

People are bogged down with the situation we find ourselves in and share how they feel about the lockdown, racism, boredom, politics, religion and so much more. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed with wave after wave of negativity.

Many people sadly can’t see any end to it, fear the future and see nothing to look forward to. Some people are revelling in the supposed bleakness of the situation and on a daily basis stir up discontent as if it’s their only reason to wake up. Their anger spreads like wildfire from reader to reader.

And it’s so easy to be swept along with the conspiracy theories that rage across different platforms.

But there is another way. It’s possible to view all of the things we are going through and treat them as what they are, situations we have to get through.

I’m not trying to belittle the situation. I’m fully aware of how serious it is. Like you, I’ve seen the amounts of people who’ve suffered illness and death and am just as aware of how mental health has been affected in so many ways.

But as I look at it and compare it with how people got through World War II, for example, I feel that we can be optimistic as we look forward.

Let’s face it, although there’s been this virus spreading around the World, if you’ve taken precautions and not put yourself at risk, there’s a good chance you’ll come through it OK.

I’ve not had to go to bed at night wondering whether a bombing raid will kill us as we sleep. When I’ve been out, I’ve not had to worry about standing on land mines. I’ve not gone to bed worrying that my sons are in a foreign country fighting against an enemy intent of killing them.

I’ve tried to put all that’s happened into perspective and compare it with how my Mum told me stories from the war when she was growing up.

Where we stand at this moment, I hear people going on about how they don’t trust the various injections being offered. I’m not a scientist, I don’t know how good they are, but on the other hand, when I’ve been ill and had to have treatments that have involved medication of any kind, I’ve not known about them either.

I’ve learned to take things on faith. Faith that the scientists have, to the best of their abilities tried and tested enough to get them available.

I’m not a 'head in the clouds' kind of person. After all, when my Mum was pregnant with me, she wanted to take the drug Thalidomide to help her through the sickness. Luckily for me, the doctor advised her against it as he didn’t feel it had been tested enough. I went to school with children that weren’t as lucky as me and I’ve seen first-hand, the effects of that particular drug, so I’m not blind to the worries.

But from what I’ve seen, the bad effects of the injections so far have been very few, which you can get with any drug. I know this because of the warnings I’ve had when I’ve been told about what would be used during an operation.

I’m optimistic enough to think that people far more knowledgeable than me feel that we can have the injections and I’d definitely have it when it’s available.

And another reason I’m optimistic, is that years ago, Spanish Flu killed many thousands, but the scientists found a way of combating it. And I’m sure they’ll do it this time too.

Just because I’m optimistic, it doesn’t mean I’m oblivious to the concerns. I just choose to look at the things that are happening at the moment in a way that allows me to feel better.

And that’s what optimism does for you. It allows you to see things in a brighter light. It lets you see the joy and not the despair, that light and not the dark.

It stops you from worrying and getting more and more depressed about the situation. After all, it’s been said that the majority of what we worry about in the first place never comes to pass.

I think of optimism as nature’s way of giving you new energy, a way to nurture yourself. It’s like putting on an armoured coat.

Over the last few months, I’ve looked for and found ways to help me stay optimistic. I’m not saying that I’ve come up with a way that’s 100% certain to cure your ills, I’m just saying that I’ve found a couple of ways that have helped me.

The first thing I did was cut back on the time I spend on social media. I’d been at the stage where instead of scrolling by, I’d read everything, and then get wound up by it all. And then I’d think about it and slowly, I’d feel worse and worse.

Then I’d reply to some of the comments, and sometimes, I’d delete my comment, because I just thought it would start an argument.

Not only that, but I think that if someone is so stuck in their opinion, that arguing with them isn’t going to change anything. People are allowed to have an opinion (no matter how people try and stop them), but you don’t have to try and convince them. It won’t work and you’ll just get angry.

What I’ve done is something I wished I’d done earlier – between 10am and 3pm, I turn off social media altogether. It means that I’m not checking it every 10 minutes of the day as I used to.

I’ve become more productive with my days as well because now I’ve got time I’d been wasting to do something else.

The other thing I’ve started to do is to read more. I know you’ll probably be thinking, “here he goes again, more rah-rah books!” – that’s not what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I find self-improvement books have helped me no end, and yes, I’m reading more of those, but I’m also reading others as well.

In the last month or so, I’ve read a David Baldacci, crime novel. I’ve just finished Captain Tom Moore’s autobiography and I’ve just started reading ‘Anne of Green Gables.’

Reading takes me to another place. If I’m reading a self-help book, I’m getting advice on specific things, getting a broader view. When reading an Autobiography, biography or a memoir, I see how other people have coped with their situations and moved on (which helps me feel that I can move on from my situations too) and a novel takes me to another world altogether. I think reading enriches our lives in so many ways.

And there are other things you can do to help be optimistic.

Listen to your favourite music. That will lift your spirits and make you feel better. Singing the words of your favourite songs will make you smile.

Go out for a walk. I never thought I’d hear myself say that! Even though I sometimes struggle and have to make myself get up and go, by the time I’ve come back I feel better, more refreshed and even more relaxed.

If you’re religious, think about your faith. Pray if it helps. I’m not a religious man, but I can see how it helps if you are. It hasn’t stopped me from reading spiritual books either. I’ve recently finished Matthieu Ricard’s book, ‘Happiness,’ He’s a Buddhist monk and he talks about his philosophies in it, and while I don’t agree with all he says, I found plenty that I could agree on. So I’m fully aware of how people’s spiritual side can nourish them when times are hard.

And the other thing, if you’re lucky enough, is to talk to kids. I’ve always found that talking to kids cheers me up. They see the world in a different way than us. They dream more, imagine more and I think, see more than we, as adults do.

And you can play with them. I’ve drunk more cups of non-existent tea than enough. I’ve laid on the floor building lego more times than I care to imagine and I’ve even eaten some disgusting things whilst playing with them too.

And each time I’ve interacted with them, I’ve been able to leave my cares and woes behind.

You can also learn or do something new – I started designing posters. I’ve bought new software and am learning how to use it. I can spend hours trying to do something new and each time I complete a new task, I feel good. There’s so much we can still do even though we’re stuck at home.

My advice, take the time to do things that cheer you up, that help you realise that this isn’t the end of the world. Times will get better.

Turn the news off! I’ve said this over and over again. They’ve got their own agendas. They want you glued to them. And you don’t have to – turning the news off lifts the mood immediately.

Let’s face it, people struggled in worse conditions than we’re in from 1939 to 1945. I understand that it’s boring. I understand that we’re unable to see out friends and family, I understand life is different.

But better times are coming, there are loads of things to look forward to and you too can be optimistic about the future.

Whilst this is a time unlike any other in my lifetime, there is still good to see now, and in times to come.

And like Tim Hansel said, “Pain is inevitable but misery is optional.” Choose optimism. Better times are coming.

 

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What YouSay When You Talk To Your Self...

Over the years, I’m pretty much convinced that I’ve been my own worst enemy. And I’d go as far as to say that the same applies to you.

And here’s why I think this is the case. Have you ever found yourself thinking any of the following; “ I can’t do that.” “I wish I could talk to people like ......... does? I’m rubbish at that.” “I’m useless.” “I’m fat.” “I’m no good at...” “I can’t.” The list is ongoing and endless.

The one I’ve been most guilty of is comparing myself to others. I’ve got a brother-in-law who can walk into a room and be talking to a stranger as though they’ve been friends for years. I’ve never been comfortable doing that. If I’m in a room full of people I don’t know, I’m always hovering around the edges.

When I was a teenager, my cousin was taller, more confident and better looking than me. I used to watch the girls flock around him and it made me feel like I was third grade. Can you relate to that?

It took me years to recognize that the reason I felt inferior to others was that I spent all my time telling myself that I was. I’d watch others and compare myself, and pretty much all of the time it was unfavourably.

It was also unfairly. We don’t know what other people’s situations are. On the outside, they may appear to be confident and have it all under control but what I’ve found is that they’re not perfect, and they have their own insecurities too. I think we all go through that, especially when we’re young.

It was in the 1990s that someone told me about a book called ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself.’

I thought that it was a silly title. After all, we don’t go around talking to ourselves all day, do we? People would look at us and think we were mad! But the truth is we do. Just not out loud.

When I was told about this book, I was sceptical. The reason being, I’d not long lost my business, and at the time, myself and my wife we eating beans on toast regularly so that we could feed our kids properly. We were doing everything to keep our heads out of the water, whilst at the same time I was beating myself up in my thoughts all day, even though, I didn’t realise I was doing it. I remember thinking, how was talking to myself going to improve things?

Outwardly, I was trying to move on, trying to rebuild our lives and yet I couldn’t see that actually, I was a fighter, striving to improve. All I could see was a loser, trying to pretend he wasn’t.

I read the book but didn’t take a lot of it on board on the first reading. 30 years later, I’ve probably read the book 10 – 15 times, each time accepting a little bit more, that the content in the book made sense and that by changing what I said to myself in my thoughts, I could improve.

It’s one of life’s mysteries as to how we believe it when we think negatively of ourselves and say that “we wouldn’t be able to...,” and yet we can’t believe ourselves when we tell ourselves, “we can.”

It took me into my well 50s to start to like myself and accept me for who I am. I eventually stopped telling myself what I couldn’t do because when I looked back over the years, I amazed myself at what I had done.

I realised that even though I’d been skint a few times, had lost a business and had to sell everything I had around me to not become a bankrupt, even though I beat myself up every day for years and thought of myself as a victim in the years that followed, and while all this was going on, I’d joined a hospital radio station and within 18 months was Chairman of the station and found myself mixing with the top people at the hospital in question.

Also, having taken my eldest son to watch a football match at our local football club, within 3 years, I’d joined the supporter’s club, become a committee member and then Chairman and also was invited onto the Board of Directors having guided the Supporter’s Club to raise the most money they’d ever raised, up until that time, in their history. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do it all, many people contributed, but I did the majority of the planning and organising.

And at the same time as all this was going on, I was trying to build a new business at the same time.

I didn’t realise I had qualities that I didn’t know I’d possessed because I’d never had cause to use them before. And they weren’t apparent to me until another of the director’s who was a multi-millionaire company owner made me aware of them one day.

None of us knows the qualities and capabilities we have until we’ve used them without realising. I’ve not achieved anything close to many of my friends but that doesn’t matter. I’m travelling on my own road. I’m not in competition with them. I am in competition though, with myself. I’m aiming to be a better me than I was a year ago, a week ago, yesterday.

My greatest quality is that I’m open to learning. I made a pact with myself that I would never give up trying to be a better me.

My point of all this isn’t to boast that I’m someone special because I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m average. I’m better than that. I didn’t at one time think so but I do now. Why? Because a man who became a mentor to me once said, “Average is the top of the bottom, the bottom of the top, the cream of the crap!” Outspoken I know, but it rang a bell with me for some reason – at the time I felt like I was at the bottom and I didn’t want to be there anymore.

We’re all born with no skills, no attitudes, no negativity. We all start in the same place. If we all start in the same place, who’s to say where you can end up?

I love to see successful people. They do different things but they all have some similar qualities. I try to learn from them. I’m sure that we can improve ourselves just a tiny bit at a time. I try to pick up little tips from them and use them to get a tiny bit better than I was. And then find another.

And I sincerely believe if we can change our thinking, change the way we talk to ourselves about ourselves, then with effort and persistence, we can all get better. We can all be prouder of ourselves. And that’s an admirable position to be in.

It’s not about wealth, it’s not about fame because in the end they don’t matter.

In my opinion, the only person whose opinion of you matters is the person you face in the mirror each day. It doesn’t matter if your family and friends admire you if you don’t like yourself.

It’s taken me until now to realise that I actually like myself and who I am. I like my ethics, I like that I’m still striving to be better. I like that I’m still trying new things. I’m not where I want to be yet. I doubt I’ll ever get there.

I now like the person in my mirror. He’s been through a lot over the years. And he’s got to the point where when he talks to himself, he’s stopped telling himself how useless he is and now realises he’s actually way better than he used to think. And he knows that there’s still more to come.

A lot of the things I’ve learned along the way came from reading ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself’. I understood its principles a little more each time I read it. I’ve picked up something different each reading, something that has helped me realise I’m better than I spent years thinking I was. I’ve read that book so many times, it’s falling to pieces.

I’m aware that I’m improving. And I’m convinced that if I can do that, anyone else can as well. You’ll be in a fight with yourself and some of the time you’ll lose but there is a turning point.

I remember mine succinctly. And when you reach it and draw the line in the sand and tell yourself that you’re not going back over it, you’re on your way.

You will stumble, you will take the wrong path occasionally, but when the will is strong enough, the facts no longer matter. When you’re ready and make that decision, you’ve already won. You’ve just got to keep going.

In conclusion, what you say to yourself matters more than you realise. It’s not the only thing you’ll need to change along the way and it won’t be easy. But it’s worth it.

My hope is that it doesn’t take you as long as it’s taken me.

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