Why be miserable when you can be happy?

 

During the lockdown, I decided that I was sick to the back teeth of all the negativity. From the news coverage to social media it was wall to wall doom.

As you know I like a good rant and often do, but decided that I had had enough of it. I was going to make a stand and look at things differently.

I decided that instead of being miserable because of the lockdown, I was going to be happy. And why shouldn't I be? All of my family by taking precautions seemed to have been unaffected by the virus.

Whilst everyone was moaning, I felt fortunate that at a time when the world seemed to be in turmoil, Debz didn't have to be at work. In her job in the retail and charity sector, she was facing people on a regular day to day basis, and having been put on furlough, meant that not only didn't she have to be in that precarious position on a day to day basis, but because of the system that the Government had put in place, she was still going to receive 80% of her wages. It seemed to me that it was a good thing. I, unfortunately, wasn't part of the furlough scheme, but I won't dwell on that.

I began to look at the situation we found ourselves in, with a different perspective.

Debz and I get on really well and were quite happy to be at home. We quite like being with each other and so it worked out well for us. We found time to go out regularly for our walks which gave us the required fresh air. We did our food shopping online which meant we didn't have to be in amongst the crowds even though we did pop to the shop at times to pick up odds and ends.

We both have hobbies we like to indulge ourselves in. We are both readers and I like to write as well. This time allowed us to do that.

We made the decision to no longer read the news or watch it on the TV. We stayed away from anything that was going to be contentious and basically got on with our lives.

Admittedly, we both missed our respective families but were happy that like us they were safe at home which gave us some peace of mind. 

We have plenty of box sets of TV series that we like and so we watched those instead of what was on the mainstream telly. 

I personally, stopped looking at social media off from 10am to 3pm each day and found that after the initial few days, I didn't miss it much and have, since then just popped on and off in short bursts. I deleted 'friends' that were on a mission to push their political agendas forward, which also helped.

I made a choice to look at things in a more positive light. Getting entrenched in the uproar on social media was making me miserable.

I thought to myself, why be miserable when I can be happy? And so I decided to change things.

Some people told me that I was burying my head in the sand. My thinking was that if anything was serious enough, someone would make sure to tell me.

Avoiding all the fear-inducing comments flying about meant that my mind wasn't being attacked and prodded every day. The world went on and I just got on with what I wanted to do.

I've managed to learn some new skills in the time I've taken away from social media. I've upgraded my skills on the computer by doing a designer course, I've started an online photography course and I've been tracking my habits, taking note of when I've been getting angry or miserable. When I've noticed, I've made the decision to stop doing whatever has caused the moods and find something else to do.

Most importantly, I've tried to change the way I talk. I've tried to cut down on the negative thinking and talking that I am apt to fall into doing.

I've been blogging and trying to write at least one uplifting post each week. And I've stopped getting involved in negative talk.

I know this post sound like 'me, me, me,' but what I'm trying to say is that just because the world seems to be negative and getting worse, you don't have to take part.

You can create your own reality. It's not easy, but it's doable.

I don't feel anywhere near as miserable as I did when this Covid thing started. You don't have to either.

All the worrying and negativity makes us fearful and daunted. But I've not felt that way. I feel optimistic. Others have said to me that they started to feel better once they stopped watching the news.

Don't get me wrong, I've not been free of miserable moments. We all have those. However, I've noticed that they haven't lasted as long as they used to.

We owe it to ourselves to stop feeding ourselves negative thoughts in whatever ways we can find to stop.

I stopped being a blob of negativity. Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on how to do that. I don't have all the answers.

I've found some techniques that have worked for me. I'm not so presumptuous as to tell you I know it all.

All I'm saying is that if you're sick and tired of feeling miserable, you can change things around. If any of the things that I've tried, seem reasonable to you, feel free to try them. 

Our lives are different. We are all different people. What works for me, may not work for you.

What's important is that you take a look at your own situation, and if you can find out what's making you miserable, do something about it.

Just try to keep your actions legal!

All the best on your journey.

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Be yourself

When I was growing up, my Mum always used to say to be to create a good impression when I was going out.

She used to tell me that those first impressions that people had of me were the ones that would linger in their minds. If they were good, people would think well of me. If they weren’t, then it would be hard to change their minds from a negative impression. And that’s so true.

However, sometimes, I’d try too hard. And it always led to me creating an impression that I couldn’t live up to in the long term.

There’s something false about trying to be someone you’re not. You can try to reinvent yourself, to appear to be better than you are. Or perhaps try and come over as sophisticated, to be outgoing, or even to try and be enigmatic. But when you do, you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Because once you try to be something you’re not, that’s an act you have to pull off forever.

I thought that what my Mum was trying to get me to do was be better than I was. That’s youth for you! It wasn’t what she meant at all. All she really wanted was for me to be polite, respectful, kind and helpful, all things I was more than capable of being.

I’d see a girl I’d fancy and immediately try to cool and trendy, two things I most definitely am not or ever have been. It never worked. And if it had, I’d have struggled to live up to it.

I’ve always been the one on the edges of a group, never quite being part of the ‘In-Crowd.’ The truth is, growing up that I liked the idea of being ‘Mr Charisma’ but that’s not who I am and as I’ve come to realise over the years, it’s not even who I want to be. And what’s more, I’ve realised that people with charisma, don’t even know they have it.

Growing up, I sometimes felt that to become more liked, I’d have to push myself, to develop this new personality, be somehow better than I was. I’m pretty sure that many of us feel the same.

Sometimes, I’d even try, but it was just so tiring. It was such hard work.

What’s more, looking back, I’m pretty sure that when I did, everyone could spot it a mile off because unless you’re one hell of an actor, it doesn’t ring true.

And even though sometimes, it seems to work, in the long run, it doesn’t. People can read you like a book and you don’t end up with more friends, you end up with less.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to improve yourself and become more likeable. That’s a noble aim, and what’s more, I think that through the course of our lives, we should all be trying to do that, to be the best we can be. But the goal should be to be a better you but at the same time to be real and honest.

What I’m saying is don’t try to change your natural personality. You are who you are. Be proud of that. It took me years to realise that.

I was well into my 50s before I became comfortable with who I am. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that, as much as I tried not to be, I’m a ‘heart on my sleeve’ kind of guy.

I always wanted to be black and white in my demeanour, because that’s often how I think. I have definite opinions on what’s right and what’s wrong. I didn’t like to see the shades in between. I tried to keep my guard up, not be emotional, not get too involved and to a great extent, I’m still like it.

But along the way, I decided that I’d had enough of trying to be something I’m not. I’m not trying to say that I was trying to be someone I’m not, I just tried to keep a facade up, a protective coat if you like.

But it’s not who I am. I’m not black and white. There are lots of colours in my personality. I can be happy, sad, introverted, extrovert, uninterested and intense all in the same hour.

If I’m amongst people I know well and am comfortable, I’ll come out of my shell, but amongst people, I don’t know well, I can appear aloof. It’s not a conscious decision to be like that, it’s just how I am.

I used to be uncomfortable being like that. I’m not anymore. I decided that it was best for me to just be who I am. What you see is what you get. No airs and graces. No need to be the centre of attention.

Don’t get me wrong, if I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it. I'm not a shrinking violet.

But as I’ve got older I’ve also learned some lessons in life. I’ve learned that pulling someone up because they’re wrong isn’t always needed. Sometimes, I don’t need to point out that they’re wrong and I’m right.  Sometimes, it’s so unimportant that it’s not worth it.

The only thing that would come from it is that I’d make them look smaller, I’d look like a ‘know it all’ and it would only be point-scoring. The only thing I’d have been doing, would be appearing superior.

People don’t like ‘know it alls’. They don’t like people who aren’t authentic. They don’t like egotists. They probably won’t say it to your face, but they think it all the same.

People tend to like people who are real.

It’s an odd thing, we all know it, but it doesn’t stop people trying to be something they’re not.

In my case, for years I tried to be a different person from the one I actually was. I tried to be what I thought of as better, more outgoing, more (here’s that word again...) charismatic. All things I most definitely am not. Why? Low self-esteem I would think.

I spent years looking at others and asking myself why I couldn’t be like them. What a waste of time and energy.

What I didn’t take into account is that everyone, and I mean everyone has their own challenges, their own doubts and their own insecurities. And none of us really want others to see that.

But trying to be something you’re not, just sets you up for misery. What it means is that you fake it, you attract the wrong people and when they realise, you lose them too. And how’s that going to help your self-esteem?

We all have ‘Our People.’ We all have flaws and failings, and what’s more, ‘Our People’ don’t care about them and often don’t even notice them.

And the things we dislike about ourselves are often why people like us. They’re part of the charm that we exude and part of our individual uniqueness.

Just remember, you don’t have to have more friends than anyone else. You don’t have to be better than anyone else. All you need to be is yourself.

All those years ago, when my Mum used to tell me to create a good impression of myself, she didn’t mean to be something I’m not, she just wanted me to be the best me that I could be. She just wanted people to see the real me. I didn’t get it until I had children of my own.

And here’s the twist – it wasn’t until I let my guard down, until I decided that I wasn’t going to keep hiding my imperfections and until I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t that I became comfortable in my own skin.

Even though I’m comfortable in my own skin, it doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to improve myself. I’m still trying to be better. I’m still reading self-improvement books, I’m still trying to learn new things, develop a wider understanding and keep moving on.

And I thank my Mum for that because she wanted me to be the best that I can be. She instilled that into me. She created that desire in me. I didn’t understand it at the time.

But there’s immense satisfaction in knowing that, for all my faults, I’m a better, more rounded person today than I was yesterday, and next week, I’ll be better than I am today. That’s her legacy.

And it doesn’t matter if I’m not the flavour of the week. ‘My People’ get me, faults and all. And they don’t care.

And as the saying goes, ‘Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.’

Be yourself. It doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect. There's integrity in being who you are. 

And what's more, it’ll make you a whole lot happier too.

 

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We're all just winging it.

 

The UK organisation ‘Action for Happiness’ says that one of the biggest causes of misery in our lives is that in this ‘Internet Age,’ we tend to compare our ‘insides’ with other’s ‘outsides.’ And I get that completely.

For pretty much all of us, our social media profiles are built around each of us showing our best side. Not so much now because of the lockdowns of the last year, but before that, we’d see people posting how wonderful their lives are, sharing photos with us, of them out an about having a good time.

We’d see photo’s of people in wonderful locations, with a drink in hand with a big smile on our faces. We’d see videos of people dancing around swimming pools, or in a club with others. We’d see sumptuous meals in restaurants. And they’d be accompanied with posts that declared how wonderful their lives are. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been known to put photos up as well of me in lovely places too.

But that doesn’t show a balanced life because what many of us don’t do is to share the boring and the tedious parts of our lives in order to balance all the good times.

There is a reason for that. It’s because people are ‘winging it.’ They have the same problems and situations that you do, but many want people to think that their lives are better than they really are. And what they’re mainly doing I think, isn’t to brag about how wonderful they are, but to make them feel better about themselves. Because at the end of the day, we all think other people’s lives are better than ours.

I’ve had the opportunity to look back over my formative years recently, and when I look back, I was so unsure of myself, so lacking in self-esteem and aware of who I was.

I have a cousin who is 28 days older than me. And I can distinctly remember being a teenager and wishing I could be like him.

He was taller than me, better looking than me, had more friends than me, did more than me, was driving before me, had a van 2 years before I even passed my driving test, had his first new car on his 18^th birthday, and whenever we were amongst a group of teenagers, the girls all gravitated to him. I can remember feeling on the edges of everyone having a good time.

However, given a period of time to look back, it was my lack of self-worth that made me feel bad. There was a reason he was more worldly-wise than me. He was brought up on a fairground all his life whereas I wasn’t. When I came back into the fraternity for events and parties, I was amongst people who spent all the time with each other. They had friendships that I didn’t because I wasn’t there.

Every time I came back, I felt like I had to start all over again. I would feel nervous, wondering if they remembered me. But it was my lack of self-image that made me feel that way. Each and every time I went out of my comfort zone, I was winging it!

From the inside, I would see this popular boy so close in age to me and see all these things that I didn’t have, not only materially but personally. And so I tried to be someone I’m not.

I was doing exactly what ‘Action for Happiness’ were saying, I was looking at his outside but from my inside. I didn’t know how he felt from the inside, but I was comparing him to me unfairly. And the truth is, that’s what we all do.

We’re bombarded with pictures of celebs having these great lifestyles, holidays around the world, partying at the best places, living in palatial homes and driving expensive cars, and we look at how far behind them we are.

What we don’t see is how many of them have lives that consist of being followed by photographers everywhere they go. They live their lives in a goldfish bowl.

Every little mistake they make gets amplified. Media likes to build them up to knock them down. I’m pretty sure that many of them are ‘winging it’ too.

After all, unless they were born into the culture, they’ve usually got a great learning curve to manoeuvre. And look back over the last few years and many have succumbed to drink, drugs and their mental health is affected. And when it is, it’s plastered all over the newspapers by gossip columnists for our enjoyment.

It’s human nature to look at people and think they’ve got it all together; to see people who have more than you, or you think they have more than you, and to see people having a better time than you. But each of us has our own sets of problems that go along with where we are in life.

I’m no psychologist, I’ve never taken a course or got a degree, but even I can see that we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got.

I know personally, I’ve come through a few hardships as we all have, I’ve lost a business and everything I had, was nearly homeless with a wife and two small children and had to start from scratch again. 

After years of work I had to clamber out of the pits my self-esteem had dropped to, I began to build another business and yet, in the end, I found myself floundering again and ended up leaving my wife and my kids with only a van, some disco equipment, some clothes and a little bit of money. And then I had to start all over again.

That was my fault. It was my decision. It wasn’t my wife’s doing, it wasn’t my kids’ doing. I brought pain and heartache to them all. I didn't come away scot-free though. I carried a lot of guilt around for a long time, but it’s what I had to do to find my way again. And it wasn’t easy after 27 years of marriage. But it’s what happened to me. I’ve been out of my depth, made mistakes, come unstuck and had illness since.

But also during those last 11 years, I’ve found me again. At 60, I’m feeling better about me than I have at any time in my life. So I don’t have to go online and tell people how wonderful my life is, because actually, it isn’t any better than yours, it's just how it is. I’ll have a moan and groan and talk about the crap of life. I’m just playing the hand that I’ve been dealt with. And it’s a different hand to you.

Would I swap the hand I was dealt with anyone else? Not for one minute. Because it’s in the struggles of life that I’ve found out who I am. I learnt nothing when things were going well.

Would you want to swap your life with me? I doubt it. The fact is that if I swapped my life with anyone who I thought was better off in life than me, chances are, after a month, we’d both want to swap back when we discover what each other’s life is like.

I haven’t got it all worked out. I don’t know all the answers, if fact, I doubt I know many. I’m just a normal guy.

But what I am suggesting is this. None of us knows exactly what we’re doing. None of us are cognizant of exactly how to overcome what’s going to happen to us next because it happened yet.

Every problem that comes our way will test us. Sometimes we’ll make mistakes as we go and sometimes, often more by luck than judgement, the solution will be easy to find.

But I truly believe that the end of the day, you, I and all those people we see having a great time on social media and in the newspapers and magazines are all feeling our way along this road of life.

I don’t think any of us needs to compare ourselves with anyone else because at the end of the day...

We’re all just winging it!

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What YouSay When You Talk To Your Self...

Over the years, I’m pretty much convinced that I’ve been my own worst enemy. And I’d go as far as to say that the same applies to you.

And here’s why I think this is the case. Have you ever found yourself thinking any of the following; “ I can’t do that.” “I wish I could talk to people like ......... does? I’m rubbish at that.” “I’m useless.” “I’m fat.” “I’m no good at...” “I can’t.” The list is ongoing and endless.

The one I’ve been most guilty of is comparing myself to others. I’ve got a brother-in-law who can walk into a room and be talking to a stranger as though they’ve been friends for years. I’ve never been comfortable doing that. If I’m in a room full of people I don’t know, I’m always hovering around the edges.

When I was a teenager, my cousin was taller, more confident and better looking than me. I used to watch the girls flock around him and it made me feel like I was third grade. Can you relate to that?

It took me years to recognize that the reason I felt inferior to others was that I spent all my time telling myself that I was. I’d watch others and compare myself, and pretty much all of the time it was unfavourably.

It was also unfairly. We don’t know what other people’s situations are. On the outside, they may appear to be confident and have it all under control but what I’ve found is that they’re not perfect, and they have their own insecurities too. I think we all go through that, especially when we’re young.

It was in the 1990s that someone told me about a book called ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself.’

I thought that it was a silly title. After all, we don’t go around talking to ourselves all day, do we? People would look at us and think we were mad! But the truth is we do. Just not out loud.

When I was told about this book, I was sceptical. The reason being, I’d not long lost my business, and at the time, myself and my wife we eating beans on toast regularly so that we could feed our kids properly. We were doing everything to keep our heads out of the water, whilst at the same time I was beating myself up in my thoughts all day, even though, I didn’t realise I was doing it. I remember thinking, how was talking to myself going to improve things?

Outwardly, I was trying to move on, trying to rebuild our lives and yet I couldn’t see that actually, I was a fighter, striving to improve. All I could see was a loser, trying to pretend he wasn’t.

I read the book but didn’t take a lot of it on board on the first reading. 30 years later, I’ve probably read the book 10 – 15 times, each time accepting a little bit more, that the content in the book made sense and that by changing what I said to myself in my thoughts, I could improve.

It’s one of life’s mysteries as to how we believe it when we think negatively of ourselves and say that “we wouldn’t be able to...,” and yet we can’t believe ourselves when we tell ourselves, “we can.”

It took me into my well 50s to start to like myself and accept me for who I am. I eventually stopped telling myself what I couldn’t do because when I looked back over the years, I amazed myself at what I had done.

I realised that even though I’d been skint a few times, had lost a business and had to sell everything I had around me to not become a bankrupt, even though I beat myself up every day for years and thought of myself as a victim in the years that followed, and while all this was going on, I’d joined a hospital radio station and within 18 months was Chairman of the station and found myself mixing with the top people at the hospital in question.

Also, having taken my eldest son to watch a football match at our local football club, within 3 years, I’d joined the supporter’s club, become a committee member and then Chairman and also was invited onto the Board of Directors having guided the Supporter’s Club to raise the most money they’d ever raised, up until that time, in their history. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do it all, many people contributed, but I did the majority of the planning and organising.

And at the same time as all this was going on, I was trying to build a new business at the same time.

I didn’t realise I had qualities that I didn’t know I’d possessed because I’d never had cause to use them before. And they weren’t apparent to me until another of the director’s who was a multi-millionaire company owner made me aware of them one day.

None of us knows the qualities and capabilities we have until we’ve used them without realising. I’ve not achieved anything close to many of my friends but that doesn’t matter. I’m travelling on my own road. I’m not in competition with them. I am in competition though, with myself. I’m aiming to be a better me than I was a year ago, a week ago, yesterday.

My greatest quality is that I’m open to learning. I made a pact with myself that I would never give up trying to be a better me.

My point of all this isn’t to boast that I’m someone special because I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m average. I’m better than that. I didn’t at one time think so but I do now. Why? Because a man who became a mentor to me once said, “Average is the top of the bottom, the bottom of the top, the cream of the crap!” Outspoken I know, but it rang a bell with me for some reason – at the time I felt like I was at the bottom and I didn’t want to be there anymore.

We’re all born with no skills, no attitudes, no negativity. We all start in the same place. If we all start in the same place, who’s to say where you can end up?

I love to see successful people. They do different things but they all have some similar qualities. I try to learn from them. I’m sure that we can improve ourselves just a tiny bit at a time. I try to pick up little tips from them and use them to get a tiny bit better than I was. And then find another.

And I sincerely believe if we can change our thinking, change the way we talk to ourselves about ourselves, then with effort and persistence, we can all get better. We can all be prouder of ourselves. And that’s an admirable position to be in.

It’s not about wealth, it’s not about fame because in the end they don’t matter.

In my opinion, the only person whose opinion of you matters is the person you face in the mirror each day. It doesn’t matter if your family and friends admire you if you don’t like yourself.

It’s taken me until now to realise that I actually like myself and who I am. I like my ethics, I like that I’m still striving to be better. I like that I’m still trying new things. I’m not where I want to be yet. I doubt I’ll ever get there.

I now like the person in my mirror. He’s been through a lot over the years. And he’s got to the point where when he talks to himself, he’s stopped telling himself how useless he is and now realises he’s actually way better than he used to think. And he knows that there’s still more to come.

A lot of the things I’ve learned along the way came from reading ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself’. I understood its principles a little more each time I read it. I’ve picked up something different each reading, something that has helped me realise I’m better than I spent years thinking I was. I’ve read that book so many times, it’s falling to pieces.

I’m aware that I’m improving. And I’m convinced that if I can do that, anyone else can as well. You’ll be in a fight with yourself and some of the time you’ll lose but there is a turning point.

I remember mine succinctly. And when you reach it and draw the line in the sand and tell yourself that you’re not going back over it, you’re on your way.

You will stumble, you will take the wrong path occasionally, but when the will is strong enough, the facts no longer matter. When you’re ready and make that decision, you’ve already won. You’ve just got to keep going.

In conclusion, what you say to yourself matters more than you realise. It’s not the only thing you’ll need to change along the way and it won’t be easy. But it’s worth it.

My hope is that it doesn’t take you as long as it’s taken me.

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