'Why' is more important than 'how'

I’ve often talked about people wanting you to get on but not in front of them and it seems to be the way of the world. However, it doesn’t have to be.

It’s often someone’s low self-esteem that causes them to feel that way and being like that doesn't make them feel better, it only pulls their self-esteem down even more.

Competition is healthy and someone’s success, particularly in your field of enterprise can weigh you down but it should inspire you because if someone else can do it, it means that you can too.

You may have to learn different practices, change your way of thinking and change your approach but competition is healthy and with the right attitude, it can raise your game and help you to move on.

However, for me, the main competition isn’t with anyone else, it’s with myself.

I tend to look at it this way. My goal in life isn’t to be better than you. I’m not here to beat you. The only person I’m interested in improving on is me.

I have dreams and goals and by getting better than I was, it will help me move forward towards them. It means that if I improve my attitude, work smarter and harder and keep the reasons why I want to achieve in front of me, I’ve more chance to do so.

The reasons why I still want to move on and achieve more are the things that are going to help me on my path. If I don’t lose sight of the reasons why I want to move forward, the challenges in front of me won’t seem as bad and won’t stop me from facing them, stepping out of my comfort zone and working towards them.

If you have everything you want out of life, and I’m not necessarily talking about a bigger house or car, more money in the bank, the ability to travel where and what you want to, then what I’m saying probably won’t apply to you. After all, we all don’t want the same. It doesn’t mean that I’m right and that you’re wrong, it’s all about what makes you happy.

For me, I have this desire deep down to be better than I was yesterday. I have this constant desire to be a better me. It’s not about being better than you. It’s not about being better off than you or having nicer things. It’s not about me being better-known or more liked.

I enjoy learning more, understanding more. I’m curious...about all sorts of things. I enjoy reading self-improvement books and getting those, “aah! I get it!” moments. I want to be a more rounded, nicer person.

But I don’t want to be better than anyone else. That’s not me.

But here’s the thing. The ‘why’ is the most important thing for all of us. Everything starts with a ‘why?’

Ask yourself why you do what you do on a regular basis? Do you love your job or are you just doing it for the money? Why do you go out jogging whether it’s raining or not? Why are you sitting on the edge of a riverbank at 5 in the morning?

The problem is that so many of us stop asking ourselves that question. We get into a groove and on we go without any thought.

As children, we dreamed big dreams. As we got older, often we got talked out of chasing after them, told to be more practical.

How many of us started work in a job that we thought would do to get us into the workforce only to find ourselves on a path that wasn’t what we wanted to be on? Sadly, far too many.

Life tends to get in the way for so many of us.

However, it doesn’t have to be that way. I’ve noticed that even in times of recession, some people still move on. And I’ll say this bluntly – it isn’t just luck!

Those who continually move on in life, tend to keep their eye on the prize. And the prize is their ‘why?’

Yes, some will get there using underhanded tactics, without ethical practices and some will even do it illegally. People are people.

But most will work diligently toward their goal, failing often on their path, but using the experience as a lesson, dusting themselves off and moving on. Often it will 2 steps forward and 3 steps back but they'll keep ploughing on until the obstacle is overcome and they proceed toward their goal.

Some may never reach their ultimate goal no matter how hard they try but they’ll be a whole lot further toward it than they would have been if they hadn’t had a reason to keep trying.

I’ve been trying for years. I’ve lost everything twice and had to start over but I learned so much during those times of failure, that it’s helped me in the long run. Will I reach my goals? Only time will tell. I’m not finished yet. I still have my ‘why’ that keeps me going though.

But it’s not about me, it’s about you.

As I said earlier if you’re happy with your life and where you want to be then I’m pleased for you. It’s a great place to be.

If, however, you’re not, then take a look at your ‘why.’ It’s never too late to make a fresh start. Colonel Sanders didn’t even start selling his mother’s chicken recipe until he’d retired from work and was struggling on his retirement income. Had he not struggled, we’d probably never have heard of Kentuck Fried Chicken.

My hope is that if you haven’t achieved what you want yet, you still have the desire to keep going. There’s still plenty to live for. 

If you’re not satisfied with your life, have a think about your ‘why.’

I truly believe we’re all capable of getting more out of life if we know what we really want from it, and apply ourselves in search of a way to move toward it, we can take more and more steps toward it.

And if you’re on that road and you’ve faced challenges, congratulations! You’re learning things that will help in the long run.

And if you are facing challenges, I’ll leave you with this poem that’s helped me when times have been tough.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

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Be yourself

When I was growing up, my Mum always used to say to be to create a good impression when I was going out.

She used to tell me that those first impressions that people had of me were the ones that would linger in their minds. If they were good, people would think well of me. If they weren’t, then it would be hard to change their minds from a negative impression. And that’s so true.

However, sometimes, I’d try too hard. And it always led to me creating an impression that I couldn’t live up to in the long term.

There’s something false about trying to be someone you’re not. You can try to reinvent yourself, to appear to be better than you are. Or perhaps try and come over as sophisticated, to be outgoing, or even to try and be enigmatic. But when you do, you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Because once you try to be something you’re not, that’s an act you have to pull off forever.

I thought that what my Mum was trying to get me to do was be better than I was. That’s youth for you! It wasn’t what she meant at all. All she really wanted was for me to be polite, respectful, kind and helpful, all things I was more than capable of being.

I’d see a girl I’d fancy and immediately try to cool and trendy, two things I most definitely am not or ever have been. It never worked. And if it had, I’d have struggled to live up to it.

I’ve always been the one on the edges of a group, never quite being part of the ‘In-Crowd.’ The truth is, growing up that I liked the idea of being ‘Mr Charisma’ but that’s not who I am and as I’ve come to realise over the years, it’s not even who I want to be. And what’s more, I’ve realised that people with charisma, don’t even know they have it.

Growing up, I sometimes felt that to become more liked, I’d have to push myself, to develop this new personality, be somehow better than I was. I’m pretty sure that many of us feel the same.

Sometimes, I’d even try, but it was just so tiring. It was such hard work.

What’s more, looking back, I’m pretty sure that when I did, everyone could spot it a mile off because unless you’re one hell of an actor, it doesn’t ring true.

And even though sometimes, it seems to work, in the long run, it doesn’t. People can read you like a book and you don’t end up with more friends, you end up with less.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to improve yourself and become more likeable. That’s a noble aim, and what’s more, I think that through the course of our lives, we should all be trying to do that, to be the best we can be. But the goal should be to be a better you but at the same time to be real and honest.

What I’m saying is don’t try to change your natural personality. You are who you are. Be proud of that. It took me years to realise that.

I was well into my 50s before I became comfortable with who I am. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that, as much as I tried not to be, I’m a ‘heart on my sleeve’ kind of guy.

I always wanted to be black and white in my demeanour, because that’s often how I think. I have definite opinions on what’s right and what’s wrong. I didn’t like to see the shades in between. I tried to keep my guard up, not be emotional, not get too involved and to a great extent, I’m still like it.

But along the way, I decided that I’d had enough of trying to be something I’m not. I’m not trying to say that I was trying to be someone I’m not, I just tried to keep a facade up, a protective coat if you like.

But it’s not who I am. I’m not black and white. There are lots of colours in my personality. I can be happy, sad, introverted, extrovert, uninterested and intense all in the same hour.

If I’m amongst people I know well and am comfortable, I’ll come out of my shell, but amongst people, I don’t know well, I can appear aloof. It’s not a conscious decision to be like that, it’s just how I am.

I used to be uncomfortable being like that. I’m not anymore. I decided that it was best for me to just be who I am. What you see is what you get. No airs and graces. No need to be the centre of attention.

Don’t get me wrong, if I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it. I'm not a shrinking violet.

But as I’ve got older I’ve also learned some lessons in life. I’ve learned that pulling someone up because they’re wrong isn’t always needed. Sometimes, I don’t need to point out that they’re wrong and I’m right.  Sometimes, it’s so unimportant that it’s not worth it.

The only thing that would come from it is that I’d make them look smaller, I’d look like a ‘know it all’ and it would only be point-scoring. The only thing I’d have been doing, would be appearing superior.

People don’t like ‘know it alls’. They don’t like people who aren’t authentic. They don’t like egotists. They probably won’t say it to your face, but they think it all the same.

People tend to like people who are real.

It’s an odd thing, we all know it, but it doesn’t stop people trying to be something they’re not.

In my case, for years I tried to be a different person from the one I actually was. I tried to be what I thought of as better, more outgoing, more (here’s that word again...) charismatic. All things I most definitely am not. Why? Low self-esteem I would think.

I spent years looking at others and asking myself why I couldn’t be like them. What a waste of time and energy.

What I didn’t take into account is that everyone, and I mean everyone has their own challenges, their own doubts and their own insecurities. And none of us really want others to see that.

But trying to be something you’re not, just sets you up for misery. What it means is that you fake it, you attract the wrong people and when they realise, you lose them too. And how’s that going to help your self-esteem?

We all have ‘Our People.’ We all have flaws and failings, and what’s more, ‘Our People’ don’t care about them and often don’t even notice them.

And the things we dislike about ourselves are often why people like us. They’re part of the charm that we exude and part of our individual uniqueness.

Just remember, you don’t have to have more friends than anyone else. You don’t have to be better than anyone else. All you need to be is yourself.

All those years ago, when my Mum used to tell me to create a good impression of myself, she didn’t mean to be something I’m not, she just wanted me to be the best me that I could be. She just wanted people to see the real me. I didn’t get it until I had children of my own.

And here’s the twist – it wasn’t until I let my guard down, until I decided that I wasn’t going to keep hiding my imperfections and until I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t that I became comfortable in my own skin.

Even though I’m comfortable in my own skin, it doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to improve myself. I’m still trying to be better. I’m still reading self-improvement books, I’m still trying to learn new things, develop a wider understanding and keep moving on.

And I thank my Mum for that because she wanted me to be the best that I can be. She instilled that into me. She created that desire in me. I didn’t understand it at the time.

But there’s immense satisfaction in knowing that, for all my faults, I’m a better, more rounded person today than I was yesterday, and next week, I’ll be better than I am today. That’s her legacy.

And it doesn’t matter if I’m not the flavour of the week. ‘My People’ get me, faults and all. And they don’t care.

And as the saying goes, ‘Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.’

Be yourself. It doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect. There's integrity in being who you are. 

And what's more, it’ll make you a whole lot happier too.

 

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The things that books can do for you

At the beginning of the year, I determined that I was going to change some of my habits and become more productive, even though we’re in a lockdown situation.

I spent time online looking at different systems and followed some pointers I’d picked up in books and youtube as to how I going to make me more efficient.

One of them was to make a chart which I could cross off each thing I wanted to get done each day. The thinking behind it is that if I can see that I’m doing each activity, it will be easier to keep doing it.

I’ve been learning Spanish online and because the app tells me how many consecutive days I’ve done it for, and because I can the total, I don’t want to break that run. And it’s proved to be a very good thing. The fact that each day it tells me the total I’ve done, it keeps me motivated to keep going, even on the days I don’t want to (it’s 1372, in case you were wondering).

I’ve made a little grid that allows me to track each day and I put a cross into each section when I’ve accomplished the task.

I’m on Day 29 so far, I’ve failed on a few of the tasks for the odd day  regularly going out and walking being one, because, for the first 5 days of the year, we were in Quarantine and weren’t allowed out, so I couldn’t even start on the 1st.

The other area I’ve missed the goal is in eating – 3 days I’ve overeaten but I don’t mind as I knew I was going to, as it was the day after weigh-in day and I treated myself. I’ve restarted checking what I’m eating because I had a period of going wild with chocolate and needed to rein it in if I’m to maintain the weight loss I’d achieved previously. 

The key is to only miss for one day. Start again the day after,

The biggest surprise however as been in reading.

I’ve always enjoyed reading but never really dedicated a consistent time to it. I may not read for weeks at a time and then only just before I went to bed at night. Other times, I’d have three books on the go at the same time, so as you can tell, it can often be haphazard.

I like non-fiction. I like biographies and autobiographies. If I’m involved in something, I’ll buy related books. For instance, when I was doing radio, I bought books about technique, and I bought books to learn more about the process. In the same way, now that I’m doing design, I buy books which will help improve what I do. I buy lettering books and books about layout. I’m always looking to improve.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good thriller or crime yarn. I will read something like that alongside my non-fiction selection.

But if there’s one area of books I love to read, it’s self-improvement. Recently, I’ve been humbled by what some people have said to me. They’re comments I’d never have received if it weren’t for the books I’ve read.

I’d still be the thumb-sucking, knuckle-dragging, bonehead I was in my 20s had I not come across these books. I’ve read loads over the years.

And if you think I’m nothing special, you’re right, I’m not. I’m just a normal guy who learned a bit along the way and changed and adapted.

I realise we all do that as we get older, but a long time ago, I realised that I’m not the brightest kid on the block, not even close – and what’s more, I don’t want to be. What I did want at 30, and still do at 60 is to be a better person than I was before.

I had a great start in life with the grounding my parents gave me, but once I was left to my own devices, I started to go downhill. I was never the most confident of people. A lot thought I was, but I got to be a good actor to cover my own insecurities.

And when I discovered ‘The Magic Of Thinking Big’, back in 1990, I realised I could change. I’ll tell you here and now, it’s been long, slow progress,; often two steps forward, three steps back, and it won’t end for me until I’m placed in a box.

I’ve always wanted to be a better me. I’m not the jealous type. I applaud people who get on in life. They just prove it can be done. I’m not envious of other’s success. What’s the point? Being envious isn’t going to do me any good.

But I can try and improve myself and that’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Not in the monetary, ‘look at what I’ve got’ sort of way either. I’d like to think by the end, I’ll be respected and thought well of by people. That’s as much as I want.

Those self-improvement books have helped me no end – they’re not a ‘do this and you’ll be a success’ kind of thing; after all, we’re all different and our journeys are too.

They can give you motivation, but the truth is, that’s only temporary. To develop motivation, you need to develop the ‘why?’ Without that, it’s just a wish.

The best thing about those books isn’t the ra-ra, it isn’t the how-to, it’s more subtle than that.

The best thing about the books kind of books I read is not what the writer says, it’s about how what they say helps me to think in ways I hadn't before.

I’ve read many of my books over and over again and at different times, I’m looking for different things.

I use the supermarket approach to reading them. I take what I need at the time, give it some thought as to how I can apply whatever it is I need to and then take action and leave the rest. When I read it again, I may need something different then.

Just thinking about a thing is motion, but action makes the difference. And that’s the long-winded point I’m trying to make here. And I’m doing different things daily, so I am also doing the action bit.

Since the start of January, I’ve completed 5 books and I’m reading 2 others at the moment. Of course, they’re not all 500-page epics, the shortest was just 88 pages long.

But in doing that and crossing off each day when I’ve done my reading, I’ve fallen in love with reading again. I feel more positive about where I’m headed. I’m feeling good about me. But best of all, I’m enjoying reading again.

Just imagine, if you turned the TV off, and instead of getting wound up by Piers Morgan or the seeing the news for the 7^th time today, you picked up a book and used that time reading, maybe a novel in your favourite genre, or an autobiography by someone you admire, how much better would you feel?

Books can transport you to a different world. They can make you see the World in a different way They can change you for the better. They can be all of these things and more.

With the kind of books that I read, I get input from people whose minds are far greater than mine, they have a different perspective from me, and through them, I get to think about things in a different way.

I’d agree I’m nothing special.  Even after reading all those books, I’m not anything out of the ordinary. But without those books that have slowly drip-fed me ideas and thoughts over the years, I can pretty much guarantee, I would be a whole lot worse-off a person than I am now. And I’m not talking about in monetary terms.

I quite like the man that I’m becoming. I’ve still got a way to go and more to learn. In fact, I’ll never stop learning. But what I do know, is that I like me a whole lot more than I did 10 years ago.

You don't have to read the kind of books that I do. Find something that works for you. A trashy novel is going to do you more good than watching a news channel to start your day!

And what I’ve picked up and absorbed from books has made all the time I’ve been reading worthwhile. I can’t say that about spending time watching the news and the naysayers on the telly.

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