Be yourself

When I was growing up, my Mum always used to say to be to create a good impression when I was going out.

She used to tell me that those first impressions that people had of me were the ones that would linger in their minds. If they were good, people would think well of me. If they weren’t, then it would be hard to change their minds from a negative impression. And that’s so true.

However, sometimes, I’d try too hard. And it always led to me creating an impression that I couldn’t live up to in the long term.

There’s something false about trying to be someone you’re not. You can try to reinvent yourself, to appear to be better than you are. Or perhaps try and come over as sophisticated, to be outgoing, or even to try and be enigmatic. But when you do, you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Because once you try to be something you’re not, that’s an act you have to pull off forever.

I thought that what my Mum was trying to get me to do was be better than I was. That’s youth for you! It wasn’t what she meant at all. All she really wanted was for me to be polite, respectful, kind and helpful, all things I was more than capable of being.

I’d see a girl I’d fancy and immediately try to cool and trendy, two things I most definitely am not or ever have been. It never worked. And if it had, I’d have struggled to live up to it.

I’ve always been the one on the edges of a group, never quite being part of the ‘In-Crowd.’ The truth is, growing up that I liked the idea of being ‘Mr Charisma’ but that’s not who I am and as I’ve come to realise over the years, it’s not even who I want to be. And what’s more, I’ve realised that people with charisma, don’t even know they have it.

Growing up, I sometimes felt that to become more liked, I’d have to push myself, to develop this new personality, be somehow better than I was. I’m pretty sure that many of us feel the same.

Sometimes, I’d even try, but it was just so tiring. It was such hard work.

What’s more, looking back, I’m pretty sure that when I did, everyone could spot it a mile off because unless you’re one hell of an actor, it doesn’t ring true.

And even though sometimes, it seems to work, in the long run, it doesn’t. People can read you like a book and you don’t end up with more friends, you end up with less.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to improve yourself and become more likeable. That’s a noble aim, and what’s more, I think that through the course of our lives, we should all be trying to do that, to be the best we can be. But the goal should be to be a better you but at the same time to be real and honest.

What I’m saying is don’t try to change your natural personality. You are who you are. Be proud of that. It took me years to realise that.

I was well into my 50s before I became comfortable with who I am. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that, as much as I tried not to be, I’m a ‘heart on my sleeve’ kind of guy.

I always wanted to be black and white in my demeanour, because that’s often how I think. I have definite opinions on what’s right and what’s wrong. I didn’t like to see the shades in between. I tried to keep my guard up, not be emotional, not get too involved and to a great extent, I’m still like it.

But along the way, I decided that I’d had enough of trying to be something I’m not. I’m not trying to say that I was trying to be someone I’m not, I just tried to keep a facade up, a protective coat if you like.

But it’s not who I am. I’m not black and white. There are lots of colours in my personality. I can be happy, sad, introverted, extrovert, uninterested and intense all in the same hour.

If I’m amongst people I know well and am comfortable, I’ll come out of my shell, but amongst people, I don’t know well, I can appear aloof. It’s not a conscious decision to be like that, it’s just how I am.

I used to be uncomfortable being like that. I’m not anymore. I decided that it was best for me to just be who I am. What you see is what you get. No airs and graces. No need to be the centre of attention.

Don’t get me wrong, if I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it. I'm not a shrinking violet.

But as I’ve got older I’ve also learned some lessons in life. I’ve learned that pulling someone up because they’re wrong isn’t always needed. Sometimes, I don’t need to point out that they’re wrong and I’m right.  Sometimes, it’s so unimportant that it’s not worth it.

The only thing that would come from it is that I’d make them look smaller, I’d look like a ‘know it all’ and it would only be point-scoring. The only thing I’d have been doing, would be appearing superior.

People don’t like ‘know it alls’. They don’t like people who aren’t authentic. They don’t like egotists. They probably won’t say it to your face, but they think it all the same.

People tend to like people who are real.

It’s an odd thing, we all know it, but it doesn’t stop people trying to be something they’re not.

In my case, for years I tried to be a different person from the one I actually was. I tried to be what I thought of as better, more outgoing, more (here’s that word again...) charismatic. All things I most definitely am not. Why? Low self-esteem I would think.

I spent years looking at others and asking myself why I couldn’t be like them. What a waste of time and energy.

What I didn’t take into account is that everyone, and I mean everyone has their own challenges, their own doubts and their own insecurities. And none of us really want others to see that.

But trying to be something you’re not, just sets you up for misery. What it means is that you fake it, you attract the wrong people and when they realise, you lose them too. And how’s that going to help your self-esteem?

We all have ‘Our People.’ We all have flaws and failings, and what’s more, ‘Our People’ don’t care about them and often don’t even notice them.

And the things we dislike about ourselves are often why people like us. They’re part of the charm that we exude and part of our individual uniqueness.

Just remember, you don’t have to have more friends than anyone else. You don’t have to be better than anyone else. All you need to be is yourself.

All those years ago, when my Mum used to tell me to create a good impression of myself, she didn’t mean to be something I’m not, she just wanted me to be the best me that I could be. She just wanted people to see the real me. I didn’t get it until I had children of my own.

And here’s the twist – it wasn’t until I let my guard down, until I decided that I wasn’t going to keep hiding my imperfections and until I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t that I became comfortable in my own skin.

Even though I’m comfortable in my own skin, it doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to improve myself. I’m still trying to be better. I’m still reading self-improvement books, I’m still trying to learn new things, develop a wider understanding and keep moving on.

And I thank my Mum for that because she wanted me to be the best that I can be. She instilled that into me. She created that desire in me. I didn’t understand it at the time.

But there’s immense satisfaction in knowing that, for all my faults, I’m a better, more rounded person today than I was yesterday, and next week, I’ll be better than I am today. That’s her legacy.

And it doesn’t matter if I’m not the flavour of the week. ‘My People’ get me, faults and all. And they don’t care.

And as the saying goes, ‘Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.’

Be yourself. It doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect. There's integrity in being who you are. 

And what's more, it’ll make you a whole lot happier too.

 

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We're all just winging it.

 

The UK organisation ‘Action for Happiness’ says that one of the biggest causes of misery in our lives is that in this ‘Internet Age,’ we tend to compare our ‘insides’ with other’s ‘outsides.’ And I get that completely.

For pretty much all of us, our social media profiles are built around each of us showing our best side. Not so much now because of the lockdowns of the last year, but before that, we’d see people posting how wonderful their lives are, sharing photos with us, of them out an about having a good time.

We’d see photo’s of people in wonderful locations, with a drink in hand with a big smile on our faces. We’d see videos of people dancing around swimming pools, or in a club with others. We’d see sumptuous meals in restaurants. And they’d be accompanied with posts that declared how wonderful their lives are. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been known to put photos up as well of me in lovely places too.

But that doesn’t show a balanced life because what many of us don’t do is to share the boring and the tedious parts of our lives in order to balance all the good times.

There is a reason for that. It’s because people are ‘winging it.’ They have the same problems and situations that you do, but many want people to think that their lives are better than they really are. And what they’re mainly doing I think, isn’t to brag about how wonderful they are, but to make them feel better about themselves. Because at the end of the day, we all think other people’s lives are better than ours.

I’ve had the opportunity to look back over my formative years recently, and when I look back, I was so unsure of myself, so lacking in self-esteem and aware of who I was.

I have a cousin who is 28 days older than me. And I can distinctly remember being a teenager and wishing I could be like him.

He was taller than me, better looking than me, had more friends than me, did more than me, was driving before me, had a van 2 years before I even passed my driving test, had his first new car on his 18^th birthday, and whenever we were amongst a group of teenagers, the girls all gravitated to him. I can remember feeling on the edges of everyone having a good time.

However, given a period of time to look back, it was my lack of self-worth that made me feel bad. There was a reason he was more worldly-wise than me. He was brought up on a fairground all his life whereas I wasn’t. When I came back into the fraternity for events and parties, I was amongst people who spent all the time with each other. They had friendships that I didn’t because I wasn’t there.

Every time I came back, I felt like I had to start all over again. I would feel nervous, wondering if they remembered me. But it was my lack of self-image that made me feel that way. Each and every time I went out of my comfort zone, I was winging it!

From the inside, I would see this popular boy so close in age to me and see all these things that I didn’t have, not only materially but personally. And so I tried to be someone I’m not.

I was doing exactly what ‘Action for Happiness’ were saying, I was looking at his outside but from my inside. I didn’t know how he felt from the inside, but I was comparing him to me unfairly. And the truth is, that’s what we all do.

We’re bombarded with pictures of celebs having these great lifestyles, holidays around the world, partying at the best places, living in palatial homes and driving expensive cars, and we look at how far behind them we are.

What we don’t see is how many of them have lives that consist of being followed by photographers everywhere they go. They live their lives in a goldfish bowl.

Every little mistake they make gets amplified. Media likes to build them up to knock them down. I’m pretty sure that many of them are ‘winging it’ too.

After all, unless they were born into the culture, they’ve usually got a great learning curve to manoeuvre. And look back over the last few years and many have succumbed to drink, drugs and their mental health is affected. And when it is, it’s plastered all over the newspapers by gossip columnists for our enjoyment.

It’s human nature to look at people and think they’ve got it all together; to see people who have more than you, or you think they have more than you, and to see people having a better time than you. But each of us has our own sets of problems that go along with where we are in life.

I’m no psychologist, I’ve never taken a course or got a degree, but even I can see that we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got.

I know personally, I’ve come through a few hardships as we all have, I’ve lost a business and everything I had, was nearly homeless with a wife and two small children and had to start from scratch again. 

After years of work I had to clamber out of the pits my self-esteem had dropped to, I began to build another business and yet, in the end, I found myself floundering again and ended up leaving my wife and my kids with only a van, some disco equipment, some clothes and a little bit of money. And then I had to start all over again.

That was my fault. It was my decision. It wasn’t my wife’s doing, it wasn’t my kids’ doing. I brought pain and heartache to them all. I didn't come away scot-free though. I carried a lot of guilt around for a long time, but it’s what I had to do to find my way again. And it wasn’t easy after 27 years of marriage. But it’s what happened to me. I’ve been out of my depth, made mistakes, come unstuck and had illness since.

But also during those last 11 years, I’ve found me again. At 60, I’m feeling better about me than I have at any time in my life. So I don’t have to go online and tell people how wonderful my life is, because actually, it isn’t any better than yours, it's just how it is. I’ll have a moan and groan and talk about the crap of life. I’m just playing the hand that I’ve been dealt with. And it’s a different hand to you.

Would I swap the hand I was dealt with anyone else? Not for one minute. Because it’s in the struggles of life that I’ve found out who I am. I learnt nothing when things were going well.

Would you want to swap your life with me? I doubt it. The fact is that if I swapped my life with anyone who I thought was better off in life than me, chances are, after a month, we’d both want to swap back when we discover what each other’s life is like.

I haven’t got it all worked out. I don’t know all the answers, if fact, I doubt I know many. I’m just a normal guy.

But what I am suggesting is this. None of us knows exactly what we’re doing. None of us are cognizant of exactly how to overcome what’s going to happen to us next because it happened yet.

Every problem that comes our way will test us. Sometimes we’ll make mistakes as we go and sometimes, often more by luck than judgement, the solution will be easy to find.

But I truly believe that the end of the day, you, I and all those people we see having a great time on social media and in the newspapers and magazines are all feeling our way along this road of life.

I don’t think any of us needs to compare ourselves with anyone else because at the end of the day...

We’re all just winging it!

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It's not about your looks...

 

I was reading something earlier where this pretty late-teenage girl was asking whether people thought she was ugly. As she thought she was.

When will people learn that ugly isn't really about looks? Looks are superficial.

I've known some gorgeous looking girls whose whole demeanour made me want to stay as far away from them as possible.

And I've known some good looking men who look in the mirror and think they're wonderful and then treat people as though they're nothing compared to them.

Ugliness to me comes from the inside. It's the way you treat people. It's the way you think. It's what comes out of your mouth. It's the comments you make on social media.

But here's the thing, it works exactly the same in the other direction. You don't need to see what someone's looks are like to know if they are good people. You see it in their actions and their interactions.

I've said this before; when I see you, I don't see how good looking you are. I don't see what colour you are. Or your religion either.

What I see is whether you're a nice person or not. I notice whether you speak well of others, whether you're respectful of others. Whether you take advantage of people. I watch your actions.

I've noticed that my gut decides what kind of person you are very quickly. And it's usually right.

I see tons of hatred and wonder why you'd want to carry that around with you. I don't even hate the person who wronged me the most in my life. As far as I'm concerned, he's dead to me. I see him once in a while at some event, but I just spend time with people who I like and carry on as I would if he weren't there.

When I thought I was going to die almost 4 years ago, it brought to my mind that hatred isn't important. What's important aren't the things that you have, It's the people you care about.

And it's most certainly not about how good looking you are or not.

So to that girl who's worried about whether she's ugly or not, I say don't worry about it. Pay more attention to whether you have a good soul. To whether you are kind to people. To whether you're willing to help people who need it. And whether you care.

Because at the end of the day, who you are as a person will tell most of us whether you're ugly or not, not whether you have unblemished skin and the face of an angel.

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