Be yourself

When I was growing up, my Mum always used to say to be to create a good impression when I was going out.

She used to tell me that those first impressions that people had of me were the ones that would linger in their minds. If they were good, people would think well of me. If they weren’t, then it would be hard to change their minds from a negative impression. And that’s so true.

However, sometimes, I’d try too hard. And it always led to me creating an impression that I couldn’t live up to in the long term.

There’s something false about trying to be someone you’re not. You can try to reinvent yourself, to appear to be better than you are. Or perhaps try and come over as sophisticated, to be outgoing, or even to try and be enigmatic. But when you do, you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Because once you try to be something you’re not, that’s an act you have to pull off forever.

I thought that what my Mum was trying to get me to do was be better than I was. That’s youth for you! It wasn’t what she meant at all. All she really wanted was for me to be polite, respectful, kind and helpful, all things I was more than capable of being.

I’d see a girl I’d fancy and immediately try to cool and trendy, two things I most definitely am not or ever have been. It never worked. And if it had, I’d have struggled to live up to it.

I’ve always been the one on the edges of a group, never quite being part of the ‘In-Crowd.’ The truth is, growing up that I liked the idea of being ‘Mr Charisma’ but that’s not who I am and as I’ve come to realise over the years, it’s not even who I want to be. And what’s more, I’ve realised that people with charisma, don’t even know they have it.

Growing up, I sometimes felt that to become more liked, I’d have to push myself, to develop this new personality, be somehow better than I was. I’m pretty sure that many of us feel the same.

Sometimes, I’d even try, but it was just so tiring. It was such hard work.

What’s more, looking back, I’m pretty sure that when I did, everyone could spot it a mile off because unless you’re one hell of an actor, it doesn’t ring true.

And even though sometimes, it seems to work, in the long run, it doesn’t. People can read you like a book and you don’t end up with more friends, you end up with less.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to improve yourself and become more likeable. That’s a noble aim, and what’s more, I think that through the course of our lives, we should all be trying to do that, to be the best we can be. But the goal should be to be a better you but at the same time to be real and honest.

What I’m saying is don’t try to change your natural personality. You are who you are. Be proud of that. It took me years to realise that.

I was well into my 50s before I became comfortable with who I am. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that, as much as I tried not to be, I’m a ‘heart on my sleeve’ kind of guy.

I always wanted to be black and white in my demeanour, because that’s often how I think. I have definite opinions on what’s right and what’s wrong. I didn’t like to see the shades in between. I tried to keep my guard up, not be emotional, not get too involved and to a great extent, I’m still like it.

But along the way, I decided that I’d had enough of trying to be something I’m not. I’m not trying to say that I was trying to be someone I’m not, I just tried to keep a facade up, a protective coat if you like.

But it’s not who I am. I’m not black and white. There are lots of colours in my personality. I can be happy, sad, introverted, extrovert, uninterested and intense all in the same hour.

If I’m amongst people I know well and am comfortable, I’ll come out of my shell, but amongst people, I don’t know well, I can appear aloof. It’s not a conscious decision to be like that, it’s just how I am.

I used to be uncomfortable being like that. I’m not anymore. I decided that it was best for me to just be who I am. What you see is what you get. No airs and graces. No need to be the centre of attention.

Don’t get me wrong, if I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it. I'm not a shrinking violet.

But as I’ve got older I’ve also learned some lessons in life. I’ve learned that pulling someone up because they’re wrong isn’t always needed. Sometimes, I don’t need to point out that they’re wrong and I’m right.  Sometimes, it’s so unimportant that it’s not worth it.

The only thing that would come from it is that I’d make them look smaller, I’d look like a ‘know it all’ and it would only be point-scoring. The only thing I’d have been doing, would be appearing superior.

People don’t like ‘know it alls’. They don’t like people who aren’t authentic. They don’t like egotists. They probably won’t say it to your face, but they think it all the same.

People tend to like people who are real.

It’s an odd thing, we all know it, but it doesn’t stop people trying to be something they’re not.

In my case, for years I tried to be a different person from the one I actually was. I tried to be what I thought of as better, more outgoing, more (here’s that word again...) charismatic. All things I most definitely am not. Why? Low self-esteem I would think.

I spent years looking at others and asking myself why I couldn’t be like them. What a waste of time and energy.

What I didn’t take into account is that everyone, and I mean everyone has their own challenges, their own doubts and their own insecurities. And none of us really want others to see that.

But trying to be something you’re not, just sets you up for misery. What it means is that you fake it, you attract the wrong people and when they realise, you lose them too. And how’s that going to help your self-esteem?

We all have ‘Our People.’ We all have flaws and failings, and what’s more, ‘Our People’ don’t care about them and often don’t even notice them.

And the things we dislike about ourselves are often why people like us. They’re part of the charm that we exude and part of our individual uniqueness.

Just remember, you don’t have to have more friends than anyone else. You don’t have to be better than anyone else. All you need to be is yourself.

All those years ago, when my Mum used to tell me to create a good impression of myself, she didn’t mean to be something I’m not, she just wanted me to be the best me that I could be. She just wanted people to see the real me. I didn’t get it until I had children of my own.

And here’s the twist – it wasn’t until I let my guard down, until I decided that I wasn’t going to keep hiding my imperfections and until I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t that I became comfortable in my own skin.

Even though I’m comfortable in my own skin, it doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to improve myself. I’m still trying to be better. I’m still reading self-improvement books, I’m still trying to learn new things, develop a wider understanding and keep moving on.

And I thank my Mum for that because she wanted me to be the best that I can be. She instilled that into me. She created that desire in me. I didn’t understand it at the time.

But there’s immense satisfaction in knowing that, for all my faults, I’m a better, more rounded person today than I was yesterday, and next week, I’ll be better than I am today. That’s her legacy.

And it doesn’t matter if I’m not the flavour of the week. ‘My People’ get me, faults and all. And they don’t care.

And as the saying goes, ‘Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.’

Be yourself. It doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect. There's integrity in being who you are. 

And what's more, it’ll make you a whole lot happier too.

 

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If you want to change some things...

 

I’m a ‘heart on my sleeve’ kind of person. I can be read like a book. I’m highly emotional and I find it hard to keep my mouth shut when I’ve got something to say.

However, over the last year, I’ve been trying to keep it in check. It’s not the same for a lot of people on social media. They’ve been going at it with both guns blazing on numerous topics.

It’s hardly surprising when you consider what we’ve gone through, over the last few years.

Politicians now appear as though they don’t know where the middle ground is. They use all the emotion they can muster when they speak. It’s all ‘fear and anger’ as they use their “weapons of mass persuasion” (I read that term in a book a while back) to get you on their side.

And the upshot of that is that followers are as equally emotional. If you don’t agree with them you’re ‘stupid’ and ‘ignorant’. They don’t want a calm discussion, it’s their way or not at all. It’s pretty much become vitriolic.

Sadly, it’s made for a world in which, freedom of speech is becoming impossible because now, people are seeming to lose the ability to see others point of view. What we’re now seeing are witch hunts.

It’s becoming poisonous, insidious and frankly, quite worrying.

We now have information coming at us quicker than it ever has, what with the internet and 24-hour news coverage. Information is coming at us thick and fast, but in amongst that isn’t always facts.

Media companies and politicians have their own agendas. Long gone are the days when newsreaders (there’s a hint about what their job description is in there), just read the news. Now they regale us with opinions and results of ‘focus groups data’. The trouble with the data is that the people conducting the survey are looking for a result that will back their thinking and are engineering their questions in a way that will get the replies they want.

And so on it goes with people taking hearsay and downright lies as facts. And in amongst it, you’ll find the facts, you just have to look a little harder to find them.

It’s no surprise that we are becoming angrier. Social media often looks like the school playground with people bullying and forcing their opinions on others as the fear and panic is spread from one to the other.

The world is changing and we are evolving. But the problem is that along with all the technology, it’s now easier for people to spread false information and pull people’s emotional strings.

Therefore, it’s up to us to take a step back, take a deep breath and stop diving into the middle of the affray.

It seems to me that now, more than ever, we’ve got to develop some self-control over our emotions.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got sick and tired of feeling angry, sick of feeling anxious as though the world is falling to pieces and people are getting nastier.

I made the decision to make some changes in my life this year.

I’ve not bought a newspaper in years and I no longer watch news programmes on the television. I used to be an ardent listener to talk radio, but knocked that particular form of listening on the head during the ‘Brexit’ debacle when I got totally fed up with presenters blatantly trying to force their opinions on others.

I love Social Media. In saying that, I’d left Twitter ages ago as I felt the platform was getting poisonous. Facebook, my number one go-to, is following that same route.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve gotten back in touch with so many people from my past and I’ve made a lot of friends on Facebook, I’d have quit that as well. But because I like being in touch, I’m still there.

I’d spent a lot of time unfriending people who were getting on my nerves. Some were people that until lately, I’d quite liked. But these last few years has shown a new side to some people. And as my Mum used to say, “You become like the people you associate with.”

I chose to no longer associate. It made my timeline and newsfeed feel a little less acidic. But it still wasn’t that much improved. I felt as though I was still getting wound up because of the amount of stuff on there and so I made the decision that if I wasn’t going to leave, then I’d spend less time on it.

And so in January, I made my life a no-Facebook zone from 10am until 3 in the afternoon. And immediately I saw benefits.

I didn’t realise how much time I spent there until I noticed how much more productive I became. As well as that, I’ve felt a lot less aggravated.

Don’t get me wrong. I still get wound up and can still fly off the handle as much as the next person. But I’ve decided that that I need to move away from that.

I need to take over the control of my emotions and my attitude and find strategies to help me keep myself on an even keel and live a happier life.

I suppose you could say I’ve decided that I need to grow up and stop getting wound up by other people. After all, I’m an adult. Well, I am in age.

It’ll take some doing. Being the emotional kind of man I am, I’ll need to start noticing when I’m starting to get wound up and take a step back to see why it’s happening. I’ll need to become more self-aware.

I’m learning to become more self-aware. I talked recently about attitude and how I started to take control of it. And that’s what’s needed because I can’t always control how I feel, but I can always control how I react to the feelings,

Another thing I have to do is to develop more social awareness. That way, instead of reacting to other’s behaviour. I’ll aim to see why their acting that way, work out why they’re feeling that way and react to it with empathy (that’ll be the hardest one!)

And then, even if we don’t agree, I can take their opinion on board. I don't have to agree, but I will be able to see where they're coming from. Hopefully then, as people, we can build from there without the arguments in a calmer, more adult way.

Because at the end of the day, for my own emotional well being, by trying to become a better me, I’ll learn better ways to control my own behaviours, and then my world will become a better place.

After all, the only person I can truly influence is me. And if can do that and make my life more harmonious, it’s got to be better than getting wound up over every piece of information that comes my way, instead of looking to pick holes in everyone else and end up on edge all the time.

It may be easier to argue and blame everyone else, but in the long run, it’s my life and for it to be a more enriching one, it’s really down to me to do everything I can in order to make it one.

As they say, “If you want to change some things in your life, you’ve got to change some things in your life.”

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