Over the years, I’m pretty much convinced that I’ve been my own worst enemy. And I’d go as far as to say that the same applies to you.
And here’s why I think this is the case. Have you ever found yourself thinking any of the following; “ I can’t do that.” “I wish I could talk to people like ......... does? I’m rubbish at that.” “I’m useless.” “I’m fat.” “I’m no good at...” “I can’t.” The list is ongoing and endless.
The one I’ve been most guilty of is comparing myself to others. I’ve got a brother-in-law who can walk into a room and be talking to a stranger as though they’ve been friends for years. I’ve never been comfortable doing that. If I’m in a room full of people I don’t know, I’m always hovering around the edges.
When I was a teenager, my cousin was taller, more confident and better looking than me. I used to watch the girls flock around him and it made me feel like I was third grade. Can you relate to that?
It took me years to recognize that the reason I felt inferior to others was that I spent all my time telling myself that I was. I’d watch others and compare myself, and pretty much all of the time it was unfavourably.
It was also unfairly. We don’t know what other people’s situations are. On the outside, they may appear to be confident and have it all under control but what I’ve found is that they’re not perfect, and they have their own insecurities too. I think we all go through that, especially when we’re young.
I thought that it was a silly title. After all, we don’t go around talking to ourselves all day, do we? People would look at us and think we were mad! But the truth is we do. Just not out loud.
When I was told about this book, I was sceptical. The reason being, I’d not long lost my business, and at the time, myself and my wife we eating beans on toast regularly so that we could feed our kids properly. We were doing everything to keep our heads out of the water, whilst at the same time I was beating myself up in my thoughts all day, even though, I didn’t realise I was doing it. I remember thinking, how was talking to myself going to improve things?
Outwardly, I was trying to move on, trying to rebuild our lives and yet I couldn’t see that actually, I was a fighter, striving to improve. All I could see was a loser, trying to pretend he wasn’t.
I read the book but didn’t take a lot of it on board on the first reading. 30 years later, I’ve probably read the book 10 – 15 times, each time accepting a little bit more, that the content in the book made sense and that by changing what I said to myself in my thoughts, I could improve.
It’s one of life’s mysteries as to how we believe it when we think negatively of ourselves and say that “we wouldn’t be able to...,” and yet we can’t believe ourselves when we tell ourselves, “we can.”
It took me into my well 50s to start to like myself and accept me for who I am. I eventually stopped telling myself what I couldn’t do because when I looked back over the years, I amazed myself at what I had done.
I realised that even though I’d been skint a few times, had lost a business and had to sell everything I had around me to not become a bankrupt, even though I beat myself up every day for years and thought of myself as a victim in the years that followed, and while all this was going on, I’d joined a hospital radio station and within 18 months was Chairman of the station and found myself mixing with the top people at the hospital in question.
Also, having taken my eldest son to watch a football match at our local football club, within 3 years, I’d joined the supporter’s club, become a committee member and then Chairman and also was invited onto the Board of Directors having guided the Supporter’s Club to raise the most money they’d ever raised, up until that time, in their history. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do it all, many people contributed, but I did the majority of the planning and organising.
And at the same time as all this was going on, I was trying to build a new business at the same time.
I didn’t realise I had qualities that I didn’t know I’d possessed because I’d never had cause to use them before. And they weren’t apparent to me until another of the director’s who was a multi-millionaire company owner made me aware of them one day.
None of us knows the qualities and capabilities we have until we’ve used them without realising. I’ve not achieved anything close to many of my friends but that doesn’t matter. I’m travelling on my own road. I’m not in competition with them. I am in competition though, with myself. I’m aiming to be a better me than I was a year ago, a week ago, yesterday.
My greatest quality is that I’m open to learning. I made a pact with myself that I would never give up trying to be a better me.
My point of all this isn’t to boast that I’m someone special because I’m not.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m average. I’m better than that. I didn’t at one time think so but I do now. Why? Because a man who became a mentor to me once said, “Average is the top of the bottom, the bottom of the top, the cream of the crap!” Outspoken I know, but it rang a bell with me for some reason – at the time I felt like I was at the bottom and I didn’t want to be there anymore.
We’re all born with no skills, no attitudes, no negativity. We all start in the same place. If we all start in the same place, who’s to say where you can end up?
I love to see successful people. They do different things but they all have some similar qualities. I try to learn from them. I’m sure that we can improve ourselves just a tiny bit at a time. I try to pick up little tips from them and use them to get a tiny bit better than I was. And then find another.
And I sincerely believe if we can change our thinking, change the way we talk to ourselves about ourselves, then with effort and persistence, we can all get better. We can all be prouder of ourselves. And that’s an admirable position to be in.
It’s not about wealth, it’s not about fame because in the end they don’t matter.
In my opinion, the only person whose opinion of you matters is the person you face in the mirror each day. It doesn’t matter if your family and friends admire you if you don’t like yourself.
It’s taken me until now to realise that I actually like myself and who I am. I like my ethics, I like that I’m still striving to be better. I like that I’m still trying new things. I’m not where I want to be yet. I doubt I’ll ever get there.
I now like the person in my mirror. He’s been through a lot over the years. And he’s got to the point where when he talks to himself, he’s stopped telling himself how useless he is and now realises he’s actually way better than he used to think. And he knows that there’s still more to come.
A lot of the things I’ve learned along the way came from reading ‘What To Say When You Talk To Yourself’. I understood its principles a little more each time I read it. I’ve picked up something different each reading, something that has helped me realise I’m better than I spent years thinking I was. I’ve read that book so many times, it’s falling to pieces.
I’m aware that I’m improving. And I’m convinced that if I can do that, anyone else can as well. You’ll be in a fight with yourself and some of the time you’ll lose but there is a turning point.
I remember mine succinctly. And when you reach it and draw the line in the sand and tell yourself that you’re not going back over it, you’re on your way.
You will stumble, you will take the wrong path occasionally, but when the will is strong enough, the facts no longer matter. When you’re ready and make that decision, you’ve already won. You’ve just got to keep going.
In conclusion, what you say to yourself matters more than you realise. It’s not the only thing you’ll need to change along the way and it won’t be easy. But it’s worth it.
My hope is that it doesn’t take you as long as it’s taken me.
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