Taking stock

 

It’s funny how as you get older, you start to see things in a different way.

I was reading something this morning that caused me to look back and take stock of how I’ve changed over the years.

When I was growing up, my Mum always wanted me to give a good impression of myself when I was out and about because as she used to say, “First impressions count.”

And I found that as she drummed this into me from being a little boy, I tended to worry about what people thought of me. I was always trying to give a good first impression of myself so that people would like me.

After all, we all want to be liked, don’t we?

I found that I was always adapting my ways trying to please others. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t trying to fool people into thinking I was something I was not. I was just trying to give a good impression of myself. And because of this, I’d often find myself doing stuff I didn’t want to do, to impress people that I didn’t even need to be trying to impress.

I’m not saying that I’d do things that could have gotten me into trouble, I’m just saying that I’d end up getting involved in things I didn’t want to do or even be interested in.

But, because I was always trying to give that good first impression, from then onwards, I was trying to live up to that ideal I’d created. And that was hard to maintain.

The downside of that was that instead of just saying ‘no,’ I’d go along with things just so I didn’t upset anyone. But what that did, was to lower my self-esteem, which would have been better served by me just saying, “No I don’t want to.” That would have been more honest.

And I suppose that’s the downside of trying to show a good image of myself all the time. I’d end up feeling like an outsider trying to conform to fit in.

However, as I got older I’ve realised that I don’t need to try to give a good impression of myself to people. In fact, these days I’m the opposite. I don’t give a fig and two farts about what people think of me anymore.

My self-image has finally caught up with me. I know I’m an OK person. I know I don’t go out of my way to upset or cause problems for other people.

As well as my Mum trying to get me to create a good impression, she also taught me to treat others as I’d like to be treated and for 99% of the time, I think I do. And because I’m happy in myself, I no longer feel the need to impress anyone.

As it happens, that’s now flipped the other way. I know I’m a decent human being and so, If someone doesn’t like me, then that is their problem.

What’s more, I’m more interested in what I think of them. These days, I’m more likely to be found watching others’ actions, because they speak louder than their words.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for people to impress me. I’ve realised that I don’t need 20,000 friends.

I know the kind of people I like, and I know the kind of people I don’t. And it’s their actions and the way they go on that informs me of what group they’re in.

I can tell 'my people’ just by their everyday actions; the way they talk about people and the way they treat people.

‘My people’ stand out from the crowd. And the funny thing is, they’re not a bunch of clones. They’re all different, they’ve often come from varying walks of life but they’ll have something that makes me like them.

And then I’ll see the others who aren’t.

And it’s as I’ve got older that I’ve realised, as much as I used to think Mum was wrong with imploring me to show my best side all the time, what she’d done was taught me to try to be my best all the time.

My best isn’t perfect, not even close. Sometimes, I let myself down badly because I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’ll make a fool of myself, but I won’t try to make a fool out of anyone else.

I’m not a malicious person. I don’t piss-take. I like banter...and if I’m playing my part in it, it’s because I like you. If I didn't,  I wouldn’t be taking part in it. In fact, it’s pretty safe to say that if I don’t like someone, I won’t even be there to be part of the conversation in the first place.

I tend to not stay around people I don’t bond with. It’s not that I’m a snob, I just like to be comfortable. That doesn’t make me better than them, after all, we’re all different.

I have 'my people,’ you have yours. That’s how life is.

I’m not without faults - I’m still trying to be a better me. That won’t change. I can always be better than I am now. That’s just my way.

Mind you, I’m just a whole lot more comfortable with me than I used to be. It’s just a shame that it took 50-odd years to get here.

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